A very random year end post

a whole year passed by...since i started writing this blog....19 odd posts....many more remained unsaid.....laziness.....hectic schedule....sometimes the words just left me....scattered above and beyond....difficult to bring them together again like feelings or people.....

do you remember who you spent your new years eve with 10 years ago? how many of them are still with you? one of them? all of them? none of them..... welcome to the club....

you feel alone...lonely....you seek company....then it gets suffocating... the crowd....too many voices.....clogging your mind...making it difficult to hear your own thoughts.....so you run...as fast as you can.....to find yourself lonely again.....

you scroll the photos on your facebook.....from down to up....a baby has turned into a boy....learning listening observing and then unlearning......growing up as if he is on steroids.....STOP....i'm not ready yet......not ready to let go of this pure innocence....your feet are too big for your shoes.... already

which is the real you? the photoshopped life on facebook.....the candid writings on your blog....or the tears you cry when you are alone in the night....which is your real life? some of this....all of this...

Happy - sad...dichotomy of emotions.....thts how i feel about this year happy-sad....I'm a woman...a mother....Happy-sad is a state of being for me....One moment I'm ecstatic the next disappointment sweeps over me.....happy-sad...they are like conjoined twins.....

Its ok to feel happy-sad.....its important to acknowledge them both....i dont want to sanitize my feelings anymore....i want to feel both happiness and sadness with all my heart.... i want to laugh till my tummy hurts....i want to cry till my eyes swell....its a legit emotion....happy-sad

there are many things in my life i am grateful about.....and many things have not turned out the way i thought they would..... but i'm hopeful.....I'm myopic you see....i cant see things which are far very clearly....they appear hazy blurred with soft edges....little blobs...i can make what i want of it....i wear glasses to correct my vision....those glasses are rose-tinted.....as yet

I'm ready for a happy-sad new year... how about you?

PG gaalis

FUCK
Fuck Fuck Fuck
i wanted to say
instead i say
Oh no
with as much vehemence as possible
Arav with his elephant like ears doesn't miss a word......So i have to be extra careful...i have to be sweet and phony....and react in a PG rated version of my emotions....

When I'm driving and a stupid moron auto guy cuts across i want to shout fuck you asshole....if some guy on bike comes in front out of nowhere i want to say watch where you going dickhead....but all i say is Oh no...or Uh oh...look at these people....or bhains ki taang....i like the last one i picked it up from the husband....

I have a special relationship with gaalis (i don't like calling them bad words...what bad words...words aren't bad) I had a favorite group of guys in my life 2 dear cousins and 1 absolutely fav friend......they abused so well....i mean it was never offensive.... they never censored anything for me....n i abused as well....not to their level but still enough to crack them up....my friend actually paid me to say the hindi gaalis.....chu*** being my absolute fav......somehow no english word comes close....

but then i got married and cleaned up my act a bit....so chu*** was used very rarely on special occasions....most of the time it got replaced by asshole....
 (as in how could you be sleeping asshole while i was up crying ?) To address a female... bitch is very versatile....somehow there is no equivalent word for male (no dog comes nowhere close)

and after Arav the privilege to abuse is totally revoked....cant even say kutte kamine or shit....

if there ever was a Parent-Anonymous-Abusive group i would sign up right away.....so that i can go abuse my heart out without worrying about offending anyone or tarnishing my image of a goody girl or ruining a child's innocence......

on this topic recently read this book "Go the fuck to sleep" written by a frustrated father.....loved the humour http://www.stott.nl/wp-content/uploads/Go_To_Sleep.pdf

sample this

The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
How is it you can do all this other great shit
But you can’t lie the fuck down and sleep?

A different home from a different time

October
in a different life it meant end of busy season
it meant beautiful colors of the Fall
it meant looking out the window to see halloween decorations
it meant reminiscing about Diwali prep at home
it meant getting together at a friends place and playing cards
it meant a slight chill in the air
it meant eating goodies bought from Patel store
it meant booking tickets to India if lucky
it meant missing home
This October
I still miss home......
A different home from a different time

Look at me

I was jabbering on the phone like the world would end if i hang up
you called me
Look at me Mamma
I ignored you
I was typing on the keyboard probably liking something of someone
you called me
Look at me Mamma
I paid no heed
I was watching Masterchef rooting for my fav contestant
you called me
Look at me Mamma
I said not now baby
Now you are sleeping next to me
in that nook between my shoulder and chest
and all i want to do is Look at you
Tommorow i will try harder
Tomorrow i will do the right thing
Tonight i will smell your hair and sleep.

My very own Shakespeare

Cast of Characters :

Arav - A 2 year old who thinks he rules the world.
Mamma - The 2 year old' mother who is expected to follow his every command
Mukesh - The household help and the 2 year olds best friend
Papa - mostly off-stage but featuring in a lot of conversations
Random soft-toys treated as animals
Imaginary friends

Scene 1 Act 1
Location : Bedroom
Time : Past midnight

Papa snoring away to glory.
Mamma : Arav please be quite and sleep now
Arav : NO
Mamma: If you are not quite Fairy God mother wont come in your dreams
Arav now pretends to close his eyes for 1/10th of a second
Arav : Fairy God Fairy God way are yoooo??
           Nahi shun raha hai.....


Scene 2 Act 1

 Papa snoring away again
Mamma has narrated 4 bed-time stories
Arav : Mamma one more story please
Mamma : Why dont u tell me a story now? its your turn.
Arav : Ok
Once upon time one boy and one mamma paani mein shwimming karte hai PLASH!!! finish
Mamma : one more story. 2 goats wala
Arav : Ok
Once upon time 2 goats paani mein gir jaate hai PLASH!!!! finish
Mamma : one more with monkey and crocodile.
Arav : Ok
Ek baar monkey and crocodile are friends. They both paani mein gir jaate hai PLASH!!!
Mamma thinking it is going to be a long night.

Scene 1 Act 2
Location : Drawing Room
Time : Afternoon

Mamma enters stage left and realises that the paint on one of the walls has been peeling away. There are many scratches.
Mamma gives Arav a stern look
Arav (with as much innocence as possible) : Maine kuush nahi kiya. Toy story liya (points to his woody doll) aur tuk tuk tuk kiya aur kuush nahi kiya.

Scene 2 Act 2
Location : Kitchen
Time : Morning

Arav : Mukesh mera daadhi kidhar hai
Mukesh : aap abhi chotte ho isliye aapko daadhi nahi hai
Arav (now looking at Mamma) Mamma aapka daadhi kaha hai
Mamma : Mamma girl hai na isliye no daadhi
Arav : No mamma shaving kiya isliye no daadhi.

Scene 3 Act 2
Location : Drawing room
Time : Evening

Arav (singing to himself) Jabebi bhai Jabebi bhai
Papa : Shweta what is he singing?
Mamma : Jalebi Bai
Papa : Why?
Mamma : Beats me.
Papa : Sigh it was only yesterday when he was speaking in mono sylables and we were waiting for him to speak in full sentences.
Mamma : WE....excuse me....i was never waiting i knew what was in store.
Arav (now looking at TV) Papa mujhe i-phone chahiye and i-pad chahiye
Papa and Mamma collapse.

Curtains draw upon the stage as the lights dim....

Its not who I am its what I do

Carrie Bradshaw flash back again....the episode where Carrie is giving up her career and moving to Paris for that really annoying petrowski guy...Miranda tells her u cant give up writing thats who you are and Carrie replies its not who i am its what i do....That line is so close to my heart....coz really i fail to understand why people like to be defined by what they do or what degree is gathering dust at the back of their closets.....Why does your choice of career have to depend on a degree you were naive enough to pursue when you were 18?

There are some people who have it all figured out...10 year plans what to study where to work how to retire all of it....and then there are some who go through life with an open mind or no clue depending on how you look at it.....So you can call it either luck or lack of direction but as long as you are willing to take it in your stride life can really surprise you....case in point yours truly.....I took commerce coz my sister did...i did CPA coz i wanted to escape groom hunting.....then marriage happened I moved to NY...and suddenly having a CPA looked like a great career move....then a move back home....and then Arav happened....to keep him busy joined a mother toddler activity program Musical Bonding....loved it got trained in it and now started my own centre....and all of this happened in a span of 6 years....So in 2008 I was a Senior tax analyst in Manhattan today I am a Musical Bonding teacher in New Bombay. It is amazing how things work out if you just give them a chance.

People ask me what do i plan to do with my CPA degree? do i ever plan to go back? well i dont know...i dont see myself doing a 9-6 again....I'm a mom....I can only improvise as i go....and im sure something else which will be incredibly appropriate for that phase of life will come up....and i will just take it up....why should i restrict my choices just coz of that degree i once studied for? i still remember the last mentor-mentee meeting i had with my manager in NY....he was suggesting that perhaps i should think of getting my masters in tax since i have decided to make my career in it....he ofcourse didnt know i was moving in less than 3 months....i told him im not sure if thats what i want to do....he looked at me shocked and said "what else are you going to do open a coffee shop?" and i thought "yes why not" but i said "emm let me think about it"

So if you ask me what do i do? I will tell you I'm a mum as long as my son is awake....when he naps i try to b a writer....twice a week i also become a teacher...and this reply is bound to change over the years.....and i have enjoyed every phase of my career so far....so no the degree was not wasted....those countless hours spent studying were fun too....yes i do feel that i should have studied psychology or creative writing or german.....but its never too late....once Arav starts school so can i....or not....

Thats one more amazing thing about having a child....it kind of makes you believe that anything is really possible....When you ask a child what does he want to become the answer can be anything he fancies at that time....he is free to choose....no restrictions no compromises.....Thats how we must be too.....dont you think?

The language dilemma

The inevitable has happened....i guess i knew it deep down but still i was very surprised when it jumped on me last week....i went to the first PTM at Aravs school....very excited to hear what the teachers had to say about my baby....They mostly had good things....i was surprised to know he is attentive and friendly...two traits he has yet to show in my presence....But then it came "He needs to improve his english"..... He understands english perfectly well but he only speaks in Hindi....Its ok now but later when he goes to the big school this might be a problem...

I came home wondering is that really true? we speak in both languages at home....not preferring one over the other....and thats what i have been speaking with Arav too....I was too busy rejoicing that Arav can now talk in full sentences and the fact that his vocabulary can justify his emotions...that he has finally got a way to express himself fully.....little did i realise that he was doing it in grammatically wrong way....So i came home and started noticing....this is what i got to hear "This is Aru ka bed and this is mamma ka bed" "Chalo mamma sleeping karna hai" "Mamma shoes open karo" "Mamma Aru ka petu hungry hai" so on and so forth...and it hit me that this is how i talk to him..not in english and hindi but in Hinglish....and i wished that if Singapore can have singlish cant we not live with Hinglish?

Isnt the main purpose of language is to be able to communicate? I am sure a lot of purists will happily kill me over this....but i found myself conversing in proper english with Arav for last 3 days and the poor guy is confused....he had finally sorted this language thing and im making things difficult again....to the point that he actually stopped talking to me for a while last evening...and i realised it was absurd....ofcourse i want him to learn his languages the right way....but i dont want to discourage him....and here i was thinking that he is ready to be introduced to Marwari....I dont know the right way of doing this....but i know that he already knows the difference between those languages....he knows that he has been using words from both of them....

The other day husband asked him "aaj school mein kya kiya Arav?" he replied "English speaking kiya" yes we have a long way to go :)

The morning-night paradox

The morning whiff of after shave on his face
The night that lingers as she can still taste
His knotted tie in its place
Her hair a tangled mess
His naughty eyes unfazed
sliding slowly out of her embrace
Him saying goodbye nice and slow
Her delaying not ready to let go
Two hearts one soul in the night
can belong to two strangers in the morning light.

Funny thing about birthdays

Hi all


i love monsoons....i love june....its my favorite month of the year....Both husband and i are june born cancerians...ya on full moon night ours is a mad house :)...So i turned 28....closer to thirty than ever before...but its just a number everyone said...ya ofcourse it is...but the funny thing about birthday is that it makes u take stock....look at your life closely and wonder are you where you thought you would be? like annual report card....I dont buy the whole birthday-is-just-another-day theory..... I mean it is a special day...how you choose to celebrate it is upto you....but you cant just ignore it.... (i might be tempted to do that in next 2 years though)

Anywho so as the writer of this post sat in her rustic cottage nestled amongst beautiful hills overlooking a gorgeous lake hearing the raindrops drumming outside (courtesy husband thank you very much dear) she couldnt help but feel grateful....For everything....and decided that this year is going to be about count-your-blessings year and not about things-i-wish-i-had year (husband amazed wondering if this is going to be a nag-free year Nah he decides she can write what she wants to but i know her too well)

So here are my 28 blessings (just a number i promise) in no particular order

1. For health : I am grateful for the general health and well being of me and my loved ones....Apart from the occasional sniffles and head aches and tummy aches we are blessed with good health. and I'm so grateful for that

2. For Arav : For the gorgeous most amazing little boy that you are. For being full of energy forcing me to be innovative and creative challenging me to keep up with you. I am truly blessed to have you in my life

3. For parents : unconditional love support and encouragement from both set of parents. truly lucky to have you.

4. For siblings : two by birth one by marriage....all three by love...

5. For extended families cousins their kids et al

6. For Mumbai : the city i was born in city i grew up in and the city i still live in....and would love to continue living in.....I love this place with all its amazing quirks and inconveniences....i am who i am coz i grew up here....

7. For my gorgeous curls and really long legs (grin)

8. For friends : small in quantity but big in their hearts....and their infinite patience with me

9. For being a woman : How else would i have ever known the joy of being a mother? or flutter my eyes or wear a short dress or paint my nails hot pink .... get my point

10. For food : for all sort of tasty brightful delicious mouth watering food thats there on this earth to devour....and for the food thats on my plate everyday

11. For freedom : for living in a free country and living with open minded people

12. For education : i dont mean the degrees but the process of education....

13. For books : How else would i have spent those countless hours commuting? not just for that i really do love books

14 . For romance : yes in a world full of cynics or practical people I'm just happy to be a sappy a little delusional romantic. it makes me happy vulnerable and also a poet :)

15. For losing most of the baby weight (except on few areas which can easily be camouflaged)

16. For cell phones and internet : mine not his

17. For my stint in New York : I loved to live there....I'm truly lucky to have been a part of that city for a little while...not only did it give me a taste of the big american dream it also opened my eyes to a lot of different cultures of the world....i have met so many amazing people there...

18. For vacations : self explanatory

19. For monsoons : Rains garam chai puddles greenery cool breeze whats not to like?

20. For music : for songs melodies rhythms dance all of that

21. For getting married early : i know i know it doesnt sound too appropriate....i wasnt too happy at 21 when i was asked to "see" guys...but trust me in retrospect it feels like a great idea....get married early enjoy the first years happily....have a kid....wait for few years have another one...and still you will only be 30...haha doesnt sound too bad to me :)

22. For being born a human : no other species are as interesting....

23.For a trained mostly co-operative house-help : Ask any woman who is her best friend at home and she will reply her house-hold help....yes the husband comes second here...if a woman has her maid/nanny/cook in place she can achieve higher levels of greatness....its a proven fact....and i'm happy to have that in my life....and hope that it remains that way for long (fingers crossed)

24. For American tv shows : i love most of them....not the reality ones though....and dont get me wrong i dont have anything against our desi channels but they have yet to produce a decent show that can hold my interest....So if it werent for Star world i dont know who i would be eating my lunch with.

25. For humour : sadistic, sarcastic, clever, witty non vulgar humour....its a big turn-on

26. For people : All of them who were not included in the categories above. teachers colleagues bosses lady i shared a bus ride with...all of them...i love observing people....how they inspire me to be like them or to be completely unlike them.

27. For hugs and cuddles and kisses and back rubs and foot rubs and stuff that it leads to (keeping it PG guys)

28. Saved the best one for the last The Husband. Yes I am grateful for thee. Thank you for being similar enough that i feel comfortable and secured with you and unpredictable enough to keep me on my toes. So that there is never a dull moment. Also the fact that you are hot doesnt hurt either (PG PG remember?)

So there.....phew it was difficult than i thought....somewhere around 20 i was really dragging it out.....but it is a habit worth adopting. Thank you for reading this through.....And write your own list today....

The school bus

its here everyday at nine
initially u clung to me tightly and i assured u its fine
u will have fun i said make new friends
u looked at me terrified not willing this to end
let me be with you mommy please u seem to say
with so much innocence in your eyes my resolve began to sway
it will be fine i said to myself rather than to you
it is new and terrifying for me too
and then it was eleven and time for you to come
i waited by the gate and then some
your eyes lit when you spotted me
come to me baby i said with glee
i took you in my strong embrace
you looked at me with playful rage
how could you do this mommy?
how could you leave me?
I missed you but i had fun
The bus is here gotta run
Sigh they grow up too fast
wonder how long will this last
Even though Im happy when it strikes nine
At eleven i'm the happiest coz once again you are all mine.

Curls galore

Last night while going through my stash of sex and city episodes i came across the one where Mr.Big has got engaged with Natasha leaving Carrie high and dry....it was a delight watching that episode again especially the part where Carrie has an epiphany about curly haired girls....."There are simple girls and there are Katie girls....I'm a Katie girl" she says quoting from "The way we were".....I totally relate to this as I'm a Katie girl too through and through....

People have bad hair days I have had an entire bad hair adolescence....before that i couldn't care much so i don't know....but i do know my mum used to get my hair cut every time they would grow longer than my ear lobes coz she hated the fact that they curled and became a mess....someone told her if she keep getting them cut my hair would become straight.....i hated my hair growing up coz no matter what i did to them they would just look messy (this was when the messy look was not in)..... and if you are growing up with a sister who had the picture perfect thick long straight black hair you can imagine the nightmare....she could roll out of the bed and still looked completely poised and i would spend hours doing my hair and still have someone say " its time to leave why don't u go brush your hair" Grrrr

Even when i was in college i would wait for dry weather days (very rare in bombay) just so they would not frizz up....My friends always joked about how my hair can tell the weather....Generally not a beauty conscious person i would spend a lot of time putting hair packs and what not on my hair....If you have seen the episode of friends where Monica goes to Barbados and faces hair nightmare you would know what i am talking about.....Our honeymoon was in Bali and i came back with what looked like an Afro on my head.....But after few years something wonderful happened....While living in New york i decided to go to this upscale place on 5th Avenue....The Italian guy who was my stylist that day gave me an advice i will never forget....

I was cribbing about how i hate my hair and i wouldn't mind getting them permanently straightened...when he said in his wonderful accent Are you kidding? I have women spending hundreds of dollars in here to make their hair look like yours. You have gorgeous curls..What?? they are anything but gorgeous I said running my fingers through my hair .... Phat he slapped my hand....stop it....you are not supposed to touch your hair....you are ruining your curls....no brushing them no running your fingers through them....none of that...

And voila....from being a frizzy bushy mess my hair transitioned into perfect bouncing curls....that is a point of envy for everyone including the sister....i have so many people asking me have you got something done to your hair....and i go no they were always like this its just that i didn't know....All i had to do was not brush my hair....so simple and yet it took me 20 odd years to understand.....got me thinking about life...and how sometimes whatever we do doesn't seem enough.....doesn't seem to set things straight (or curled)....sometimes its not what we are not doing....sometimes its what we are doing wrong....what we are doing as a habit and never questioning because it has been done all the time....sometimes we have to step back and analyse our every move.....sometimes we have to be brave enough to change the very foundation of our beliefs.....and then we shall witness the magic....how the very thing we were chasing was always with us....All we had to do was not brush....

the day i got million$ advice with a 100$ haircut.

My curls define me....I'm so glad i never got them straightened....my dad used to say you are as twisted as your hair.....hes right.... I'm complicated and wild and unruly.....But if you just let me be i can be your crowning glory :)

I know I'm being very vain in this post.....what the heck I'm going to go ahead and post a pic too.....

Mother-Hood

hiya

im back after a long break..... currently enjoying the mango season....summer vacation at moms n then at mom in laws....new things have happened since my last post...Arav now speaks in sentences....yes sentences with 3 or more words....that's few more than the husband who still answers mostly in yes or no unless its a life threatening situation :).... so far Aravs talking is music to my ears....wonder how long that will last

but this post as the title suggests is about motherhood....which is a constant frame of mind...and also brought forward by the recent Happy mothers day event....on which day i did nothing more than wishing my mom followed by demanding breakfast as i was lounging on her couch....and sending a text message to mom in law...not an ideal daughter in anyway i know.....but im literally being smothered by maternal love and it has got me wondering.... wondering how amazingly it works...the current miss india (no idea what her name is) was asked what does a mother learn from her child? she answered unconditional love....i dont know if it was a textbook answer like world peace but it did strike all the right chords....

yes parents love is unconditional but mothers love even so...i dont know if its by default or by design.....but it is Gods most amazing creation.....the two mothers in my life one by birth and one by marriage are glorifying examples of this love....2 different personalities 2 different parenting style but one common thing : unconditional love....the one by birth or the old mum (for lack of better term) is a practical fierce independent level headed lady....no babying anyone no pampering....let the kids rough it out on their own philosophy....but caring n always there...one with whom i can share almost anything....i wonder how she didnt kick me out of the house when i was an obnoxious teenager ... back answering rebelling and utterly selfish....only after Arav have i come close to understanding what mom must have gone through....and hes only 2 yet

the new mom is emotional extremely generous kind and giving....the quintessential aloo ka paratha gajar ka halwa kind of bollywood mom....who expects nothing in return and loves me more than her sons maybe....i sometimes wonder how i lucked out....an astrologer friend once said that my kundali is such that all godesses have showered their blessings on me....meaning the women in my life will always take care of me....how true

but one thing i have realised is that its so easy to take them for granted...its so easy to be ungrateful....its a  love that u dont have to win that u dont have to work hard for....it is given....and so its hard to care much for....but i think we need to make a conscious effort to appreciate this amazing gift....this biological glitch....Mothers love...Mums need to be appreciated , revered, worshiped , thanked.....in small and big ways everyday

to all the super moms i know.... a very happy mothers day :)

Happy valentine... my love

to the one and only..... Arav

Thank you for coming into my life....thank you for making me see the side of me i didnt even know existed...for truly showing me what unselfish unconditional love can be....for being so full of life....for being so much like me and yet so different....for being an amazing little person...for relentlessly pursuing things....for pure innocence....for priceless smiles...for never letting me have a dull moment....for all the hugs and kisses....for giving me the honor of being ur mamma

i love you my sweetheart.....i might not be yours but you will always be my valentine :)

Band Baaja Baarat

It is the wedding season....full throttle....festivities, shopping, dance practice, tickets... the whole nine yards....its crazy... the amount of preparation that goes into this one event....especially a marwari wedding....to a guest all grooms n brides look alike....all sangeet sound the same....the stage the lights the venue feel similar...the food somewhat registers....the gift received is remembered....but everything else is a blur.....then why bother inviting the whole world....its a debatable question....to me everything about a marwari wedding seemed like a monstrosity....wastage of giant proportions....the embarrassing extravagance....

but recently i went to a cousins wedding....technically my cousins son but close to my age so my cousin....and loved every minute of it....n i realised that i can somehow make my peace with the marwari-ness.....this was the first wedding in our family after mine....n i understood the difference of attending a wedding as a married daughter....that i was now representing a different family... that i was a guest and not a host....that i can sit back n enjoy everything n not bother about it being politically correct....I got to spend time with the entire extended clan....i was soaking in every bit of the craziness that this family is...Arav had 6 kids of his own age for company....n i never had to worry about keeping him entertained...he was there with them running around jumping and yelling and getting pampered being the youngest one.....just as i was once upon a time....still am with my group of favorite cousins....who still look out for me the same way they did 10 years back....the cousin brothers i liked went ahead and got married to some amazing women....they became sisters and friends rather than sister in laws....together they produced some fantastic kids.....n the bunch is still growing...

each person have their own quirks....everyone teases everyone.... makes fun of each other...bitches behind their backs....gets on each others nerves...but has a gala time together....while growing up i was hardly aware that i don't refer to my cousins as my cousins i call them bhai or didi... so if anyone asked i replied i have 7 brothers n 7 sisters....it was out of habit....wen i got married n started talking about my bhabhi this n my bhabhi that people would get confused as i only have a younger brother....i never bothered to make many friends as my cousins n their friends became my very own....

i am glad I'm a part of this crazy family....i am glad my grand parents n then my uncles and then my cousins had all these kids....its a very strong point against people who just want to stop at one :)

guess i should have called this post "We are a family" ....oh well.....