My beloved Eon

Whats with people naming their cars? I never got it. A car is a car. it takes you from point A to point B. Its a non living thing which definitely doesn't deserve a nick name. I was so wrong. After having my eon for last three years i realized i love it almost like a pet.

Its a great feeling to be behind the wheel. It gives you a sense of power a sense of control. i wont even try to get into the mileage and horse power and all that. What i have is a very humble car. But its mine. and when I'm alone driving that car i feel so happy. but recently my bubble was busted. I banged my car not once but twice in last two months. and it was taken away from me for almost 15 days each time. And how i have missed it. The first time it happened i was clearly not at fault. Though it was a rude shock, that i'm not at all as invincible as i feel when im driving. The second time it happened it was a bad judgement on my part. And now i feel so vulnerable. Every time i go driving i'm extra cautious.

After what felt like an eon ( see what i did there) when i finally got the car back all i wanted to do was hug it. Like literally stretch my arms and hug it from all sides. I promised my car i would not let anybody hurt her again. But my husband just laughed at me saying I'm a woman i should not make such promises. First i got very angry with his sexist remark. But more i think of it more it makes sense. Here is my theory.

1.A woman especially a mother of young kids is always late. She's late for everything. She cant help it. It's her destiny. So she makes up for it by driving little rash.
2.There's someone in her car who is screaming or whining or crying or banging his head or puking or dancing on the seats. This can muddle decision making part of her brains
3. If she's alone in the car it is a very big moment for her. Coz these few minutes in the car might be the only alone time she gets. So she would want to play her favorite music and sing loudly to it and check her phone at the red light and roll down the windows to feel the breeze. This is like picnic for her which often leads to some irrational judgement.
4. Being in the car all on her own without being watched by the kids gives her crazy freedom. She would swear loudly even flip the proverbial bird. She might run over a red light for the sheer thrill of it. For her its like saturday night out. The only opportunity to let her hair down.
5. Her car is the only thing that's totally under her control. And that makes her deliriously happy and a slightly dangerous driver.

So the next time you see a lady driver just cut her some slack. Let her over take you. Issued in public interest

As for naming my car I'm still making up my mind.

Hold my hand

Where do i go when i feel like i have nowhere to go? I come here.

I sometimes come here when I'm bursting with something which i absolutely have to write down. An instant reaction .Sometimes i hold everything inside not letting myself feel anything. I just collect it all till I'm ready to feel and then I come here to make sense of all these webs in my head.

Last Sunday we rushed to the emergency . Arav had fallen from his cycle and fractured his elbow. It was a bad fall and even when he came home crying it was obvious that the bone is broken. My mind just went blank. Luckily husband was home and he made all the right decisions. While i just sat numb next to Arav trying to console him. I forgot my phone at home too that had numbers of doctors and friends. The hospital guys asked me my age which i couldn't recall for few seconds. At one point i even exclaimed oh no its his right arm to be quickly reminded by my husband that hes a leftie. (Phew!)

We got his X-ray done and poor kid was in unbearable pain. While we waited for the verdict , husband was making all the calls and i was trying to make Arav laugh. I was telling him about how i fractured my ankle and how quickly it heals etc etc. Just then we were informed a surgery needs to be done as the bone is pressing on the nerves. Arav had his milk so they had to wait 5 hours before they could give him anesthesia.

Fresh tears rolled down his eyes. He was being so brave and he just broke down i asked if its hurting too much and he said mamma mai marne wala hu kya? I didnt know what to say i just choked. But i told him not at all and no one dies of a broken bone and how easy was this surgery etc etc. I just couldn't imagine what parents of really sick children go through. It has to be the worst nightmare seeing your child in pain and being absolutely helpless. He kept telling me to make the pain go away. and all i had were empty words. He got tired of all the crying and pain and waited to rest his head. So i stood close to him and let him rest on me. And he said no mamma you wont be comfortable. This 6 year old child who was so badly hurt was still thinking of my comfort. I just couldn't imagine. How unselfish can someone be?

The hours that followed after were terrifying. The elbow had swollen too much . they were afraid that they might have to cut his arm and then fix the bone. My dad who is a doctor was with me but i knew he was much more scared than us. We were blessed with ignorance but he knows too much and though he was being brave for all of us his face showed the fear. Anyway the surgery got over and he was in recovery room. I sat there alone while others went home to change and get clothes etc. I watched him lying on that hospital bed . the green pyjamas were too small he was feeling cold so they had a warmer on. the pulse monitor kept beeping. And thats when i allowed all my tears to come out. I'm sure the nurse must be rolling her eyes as this wasnt exactly a life threatening situation. but from where i was watching it, it was terrifying.

We are home now and the cast is expected to remain for another six weeks. I am bathing him and feeding him and taking him to the bathroom. The younger tyke is not at all liking the attention being showered on his bhaiya, but hes being helpful too. I forgot how grown up Arav is and i also forgot how hes still my baby. Sometimes when i hug him he feels too big in my arms and sometimes when he cries in the night because he cant turn on his side he feels too small.

Finding my mountain

Nothing invokes the writer in me as June does. With its cool breeze, surprise rains, and all things lush its such a great tease. Also birthday. two birthdays actually.

This birthday as is the tradition we took off . Two crabs comfortable in our own shells. We went to the mountains. To the closest ones actually. It was beautiful. This journey that the two of us have been on countless times still feels new. We were here as newly engaged love birds. We held hands through out the 3 hours road journey. Losing sight of the road many times because of all the deep gazing in each others eyes. We stopped at various peaks. We let the clouds envelope us. We carried a book with us.  "Notes to myself "I read out random lines and we discussed what it means to each of us currently. I discovered that mushrooms do taste earthy and nice. I discovered how much I love the cool breeze in my hair. I realized I was being swept off my feet right there. And it was a beautiful heady feeling. 

We kept visiting this mountain through all these years. We came back with our first born. We came with our families. We came with two boys. Every trip was fun in its own way. We found ourselves back on this trip without the kids this time. It was different but beautiful. There were long silences and no need to fill them up. I thought we would catch up on all important talks that we cant have with two hyper active kids jumping around. But turned out we didn't have much. Whenever we did speak the conversation steered back to our kids. I think its easier to discuss life's important plans and decisions with two boys screaming in the background. The silence of the mountains is best saved for some inner introspection. I also thought we would catch up on the sleep. But those extra soft beds and the extreme proximity to trees and insects didn't help. 

This resort had a well stocked library facing the mountain. I found The old man and the sea. A classic that i only know of but never read. I knew i wouldn't finish it but i still started reading. That evening i got sad thinking about all the books i haven't read and all the movies i haven't seen and all the places i haven't been to. I felt like i haven't spend enough time with my parents and people i love so much. I felt like a lot of my 32 years had gone wasted. I thought about all the food i haven't tasted especially desserts. 

I was quite gloomy till i remembered the conversation i had few nights ago with my 6 year old. Before we go to bed each night we have to say things we are thankful for. He said i'm thankful for the 5 star i got in school today it really made my day. I asked him is that it or does he want to add anything more. He said no today i'm just happy about this. I'm completely happy about this. So yea I decided to be completely happy about the gorgeous place I was at. Also found a beautiful crab while walking back to the room . I stopped to click him and he looked right at me. I took it as a sign :)

Crab to crab

I have always been a lover of beaches but this mountain has found a special place in my life. Beach makes me gregarious while the mountain humbles me down. 

Those who travel to mountain-tops are half in love with themselves, and half in love with oblivion.

Sleepless in Bangalore

What is this called?  this feeling that you are forgetting something. That constant doubt in your head that you should not be sitting doing nothing. I'm looking for a word to describe this. I have discovered that I'm unable to enjoy downtime. Like reading a book or window shopping or going for a haircut. I'm convinced something significant or urgent or accidental is happening with my kids while I'm relaxing.

I'm not usually a helicopter mom and also like other moms past two years I have complained a lot about not having any time for myself. So now that I'm on my annual vacation at the in laws the kids are so fantastically taken care of. And I'm encouraged to spend some me time. I'm finding it very hard to do so.

I think the hormones that helps a mom tune into her child while tuning out the world also makes her borderline hypochondriac. When does this end?  when do you stop worrying about your children?  probably never.

It really sucks being a parent you know. Sometimes. It's just really really hard and you can't even like make a big deal of it coz everyone around you is doing it and they are keeping it together. Atleast it appears so.

So I go shopping today eat a lazy lunch and even go out for dinner. When I come back the little brat is asleep and it just breaks my heart that I wasn't there to put him to sleep. All I want is to snuggle with him. It is at this moment I realise I'm ruined for life now. These little brats have full control on me and I have voluntarily signed up for this.

All I can do is enjoy these moments when they are little and pray for some stillness. Thehrav. Something that calms my restless mind. I think sniffing my sleeping two year old might help.

Jump starting the new year

Hello everyone let me be one more person to wish you Happy new year!
Its contagious isnt it? This hoopla around new year

So we started the class again today after the Christmas break. And i was itching to go back to the class to see my kids. I teach a parent-child music class to very little children and i really really look forward to my class. It sounds a little crazy that i take a break from entertaining my kids to go teach other kids. But to me its therapeutic. I love the way the little ones light up when they dance and sing and groove along. It's like being in a rock concert with toddlers. I feel like I'm the rock star and they are my groupies (!!!!)

Anyway so today being the first class after the break and also Saturday morning things were a little slow the class started late. The kids the parents all took their time to warm up. But two of my very well behaved kids were in super naughty mood. These kids who hang onto each word i utter and copy every action had decided to just run free in the class. Needless to say moms were a bit taken aback. You know how as a mom we want our child to be the best behaved child in the class. And though i wanted to tell them its ok i couldnt as we were pressed for time. I kept noticing the mother getting really exasperated by the child. So here's what i want to tell you mom of the hyper/restless/chaotic/disturbing/naughty (not my words these are just adjectives i have seen mothers using) The following is only my opinion regards to my class not to any other situation :

1. It's A-OK: Music class is fun. Its not school. Kids come to our class to explore music through songs,instruments, movements. We dont want to restrict them. As long as they are safe (thats the key word) As long as they are not getting hurt or hurting others . Its perfectly ok if your child is running like a Kenyan on speed. You might want your child to sit down and precisely follow the instructions but your child is still learning in his own way even though it appears that hes distracted.. his ears and eyes are still on you.

2. He/She is a child : You know the cliche. it is a cliche because its true. Your 6 months old is a child. SO is your 11 months old your 2.8 years old your 5.5 years old. They all are children. We as adults have learned to mask our feelings. That is why we are experts at routines. We can go through motions. We can be an emotional turmoil but we can go about our day. Children have not learned that (thank god for that) They are known to behave exactly as they feel. So its not possible for them to be attentive at 11.30 am on Saturday when all they want to do is chase their friend or make faces in front of the mirror.

3. Carry on : Breathe and reboot. Carry on singing or dancing without shooting murderous looks at your little one. Dont be apologetic or feel guilty. If you continue participating in the class your child will come around. He/she will soon realise that he/she is not getting your attention by doing this and more likely to join you.

4. Loosen up : Music class is as much for you as it is for your child. Its a place you can loosen up and let your hair down. If you have fun your child is likely to catch up too. Its like going to a party minus the wine :)

I love my class. I love each and every child in my class. If i'm able to make the mom forget her mommy chores and put a smile on the child's face my job's done.

Looking forward to a fantastic musical year ahead.

As one mom in the class said "Let the music play!!!!"