A very random year end post

a whole year passed by...since i started writing this blog....19 odd posts....many more remained unsaid.....laziness.....hectic schedule....sometimes the words just left me....scattered above and beyond....difficult to bring them together again like feelings or people.....

do you remember who you spent your new years eve with 10 years ago? how many of them are still with you? one of them? all of them? none of them..... welcome to the club....

you feel alone...lonely....you seek company....then it gets suffocating... the crowd....too many voices.....clogging your mind...making it difficult to hear your own thoughts.....so you run...as fast as you can.....to find yourself lonely again.....

you scroll the photos on your facebook.....from down to up....a baby has turned into a boy....learning listening observing and then unlearning......growing up as if he is on steroids.....STOP....i'm not ready yet......not ready to let go of this pure innocence....your feet are too big for your shoes.... already

which is the real you? the photoshopped life on facebook.....the candid writings on your blog....or the tears you cry when you are alone in the night....which is your real life? some of this....all of this...

Happy - sad...dichotomy of emotions.....thts how i feel about this year happy-sad....I'm a woman...a mother....Happy-sad is a state of being for me....One moment I'm ecstatic the next disappointment sweeps over me.....happy-sad...they are like conjoined twins.....

Its ok to feel happy-sad.....its important to acknowledge them both....i dont want to sanitize my feelings anymore....i want to feel both happiness and sadness with all my heart.... i want to laugh till my tummy hurts....i want to cry till my eyes swell....its a legit emotion....happy-sad

there are many things in my life i am grateful about.....and many things have not turned out the way i thought they would..... but i'm hopeful.....I'm myopic you see....i cant see things which are far very clearly....they appear hazy blurred with soft edges....little blobs...i can make what i want of it....i wear glasses to correct my vision....those glasses are rose-tinted.....as yet

I'm ready for a happy-sad new year... how about you?

PG gaalis

FUCK
Fuck Fuck Fuck
i wanted to say
instead i say
Oh no
with as much vehemence as possible
Arav with his elephant like ears doesn't miss a word......So i have to be extra careful...i have to be sweet and phony....and react in a PG rated version of my emotions....

When I'm driving and a stupid moron auto guy cuts across i want to shout fuck you asshole....if some guy on bike comes in front out of nowhere i want to say watch where you going dickhead....but all i say is Oh no...or Uh oh...look at these people....or bhains ki taang....i like the last one i picked it up from the husband....

I have a special relationship with gaalis (i don't like calling them bad words...what bad words...words aren't bad) I had a favorite group of guys in my life 2 dear cousins and 1 absolutely fav friend......they abused so well....i mean it was never offensive.... they never censored anything for me....n i abused as well....not to their level but still enough to crack them up....my friend actually paid me to say the hindi gaalis.....chu*** being my absolute fav......somehow no english word comes close....

but then i got married and cleaned up my act a bit....so chu*** was used very rarely on special occasions....most of the time it got replaced by asshole....
 (as in how could you be sleeping asshole while i was up crying ?) To address a female... bitch is very versatile....somehow there is no equivalent word for male (no dog comes nowhere close)

and after Arav the privilege to abuse is totally revoked....cant even say kutte kamine or shit....

if there ever was a Parent-Anonymous-Abusive group i would sign up right away.....so that i can go abuse my heart out without worrying about offending anyone or tarnishing my image of a goody girl or ruining a child's innocence......

on this topic recently read this book "Go the fuck to sleep" written by a frustrated father.....loved the humour http://www.stott.nl/wp-content/uploads/Go_To_Sleep.pdf

sample this

The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
How is it you can do all this other great shit
But you can’t lie the fuck down and sleep?