Where do i go when i feel like i have nowhere to go? I come here.
I sometimes come here when I'm bursting with something which i absolutely have to write down. An instant reaction .Sometimes i hold everything inside not letting myself feel anything. I just collect it all till I'm ready to feel and then I come here to make sense of all these webs in my head.
Last Sunday we rushed to the emergency . Arav had fallen from his cycle and fractured his elbow. It was a bad fall and even when he came home crying it was obvious that the bone is broken. My mind just went blank. Luckily husband was home and he made all the right decisions. While i just sat numb next to Arav trying to console him. I forgot my phone at home too that had numbers of doctors and friends. The hospital guys asked me my age which i couldn't recall for few seconds. At one point i even exclaimed oh no its his right arm to be quickly reminded by my husband that hes a leftie. (Phew!)
We got his X-ray done and poor kid was in unbearable pain. While we waited for the verdict , husband was making all the calls and i was trying to make Arav laugh. I was telling him about how i fractured my ankle and how quickly it heals etc etc. Just then we were informed a surgery needs to be done as the bone is pressing on the nerves. Arav had his milk so they had to wait 5 hours before they could give him anesthesia.
Fresh tears rolled down his eyes. He was being so brave and he just broke down i asked if its hurting too much and he said mamma mai marne wala hu kya? I didnt know what to say i just choked. But i told him not at all and no one dies of a broken bone and how easy was this surgery etc etc. I just couldn't imagine what parents of really sick children go through. It has to be the worst nightmare seeing your child in pain and being absolutely helpless. He kept telling me to make the pain go away. and all i had were empty words. He got tired of all the crying and pain and waited to rest his head. So i stood close to him and let him rest on me. And he said no mamma you wont be comfortable. This 6 year old child who was so badly hurt was still thinking of my comfort. I just couldn't imagine. How unselfish can someone be?
The hours that followed after were terrifying. The elbow had swollen too much . they were afraid that they might have to cut his arm and then fix the bone. My dad who is a doctor was with me but i knew he was much more scared than us. We were blessed with ignorance but he knows too much and though he was being brave for all of us his face showed the fear. Anyway the surgery got over and he was in recovery room. I sat there alone while others went home to change and get clothes etc. I watched him lying on that hospital bed . the green pyjamas were too small he was feeling cold so they had a warmer on. the pulse monitor kept beeping. And thats when i allowed all my tears to come out. I'm sure the nurse must be rolling her eyes as this wasnt exactly a life threatening situation. but from where i was watching it, it was terrifying.
We are home now and the cast is expected to remain for another six weeks. I am bathing him and feeding him and taking him to the bathroom. The younger tyke is not at all liking the attention being showered on his bhaiya, but hes being helpful too. I forgot how grown up Arav is and i also forgot how hes still my baby. Sometimes when i hug him he feels too big in my arms and sometimes when he cries in the night because he cant turn on his side he feels too small.
I sometimes come here when I'm bursting with something which i absolutely have to write down. An instant reaction .Sometimes i hold everything inside not letting myself feel anything. I just collect it all till I'm ready to feel and then I come here to make sense of all these webs in my head.
Last Sunday we rushed to the emergency . Arav had fallen from his cycle and fractured his elbow. It was a bad fall and even when he came home crying it was obvious that the bone is broken. My mind just went blank. Luckily husband was home and he made all the right decisions. While i just sat numb next to Arav trying to console him. I forgot my phone at home too that had numbers of doctors and friends. The hospital guys asked me my age which i couldn't recall for few seconds. At one point i even exclaimed oh no its his right arm to be quickly reminded by my husband that hes a leftie. (Phew!)
We got his X-ray done and poor kid was in unbearable pain. While we waited for the verdict , husband was making all the calls and i was trying to make Arav laugh. I was telling him about how i fractured my ankle and how quickly it heals etc etc. Just then we were informed a surgery needs to be done as the bone is pressing on the nerves. Arav had his milk so they had to wait 5 hours before they could give him anesthesia.
Fresh tears rolled down his eyes. He was being so brave and he just broke down i asked if its hurting too much and he said mamma mai marne wala hu kya? I didnt know what to say i just choked. But i told him not at all and no one dies of a broken bone and how easy was this surgery etc etc. I just couldn't imagine what parents of really sick children go through. It has to be the worst nightmare seeing your child in pain and being absolutely helpless. He kept telling me to make the pain go away. and all i had were empty words. He got tired of all the crying and pain and waited to rest his head. So i stood close to him and let him rest on me. And he said no mamma you wont be comfortable. This 6 year old child who was so badly hurt was still thinking of my comfort. I just couldn't imagine. How unselfish can someone be?
The hours that followed after were terrifying. The elbow had swollen too much . they were afraid that they might have to cut his arm and then fix the bone. My dad who is a doctor was with me but i knew he was much more scared than us. We were blessed with ignorance but he knows too much and though he was being brave for all of us his face showed the fear. Anyway the surgery got over and he was in recovery room. I sat there alone while others went home to change and get clothes etc. I watched him lying on that hospital bed . the green pyjamas were too small he was feeling cold so they had a warmer on. the pulse monitor kept beeping. And thats when i allowed all my tears to come out. I'm sure the nurse must be rolling her eyes as this wasnt exactly a life threatening situation. but from where i was watching it, it was terrifying.
We are home now and the cast is expected to remain for another six weeks. I am bathing him and feeding him and taking him to the bathroom. The younger tyke is not at all liking the attention being showered on his bhaiya, but hes being helpful too. I forgot how grown up Arav is and i also forgot how hes still my baby. Sometimes when i hug him he feels too big in my arms and sometimes when he cries in the night because he cant turn on his side he feels too small.
