Nivaan

Nivaan. He has turned 6 months old. Sometime when i was not looking and when the days poured into nights turned into days, time just kept flying.Not so long ago he was inside me. Kicking. Dancing. Hiccuping. We watched tv till 4 coz we couldnt sleep. I put my swollen ankles up ate some junk while he swam in my tummy. He was getting big in there. I was restless. And yet.

Yet i wanted to stretch that time. I knew what happens when they come out. It has happened once already. Arav has grown up on a fast forward mode. I didnt click enough pictures didnt shoot enough videos. I dont remember what his first words were. I have forgotten how he sounded when he said l instead of r. And also i knew i will miss being pregnant.

But you kept ur date. One moment i was huge n round n walking to the hospital in my ugly green gown. The next you were out in my arms. Pink n raw and spiked hair. Aman mama called you gangnam style for few days. My body ached but it felt good to have you out.

We got you home. It was all very strange. Even though i have been through this once. I wanted to get back to my normal life. But i didnt know what was normal anymore. Arav was confused. There were too many people in the house and his mamma wasnt there for him. i wasnt going to school with him or dressing him up. I wasnt playing with him. I didnt even look like myself. And then there was you. New member in our family.

It wasnt love at first sight. I may have only liked you slightly. My entire concern was arav the second i delivered you. I wondered what he would think when he would hold you. When i sat feeding you in a room and heard arav cry, i wanted to run to him. You were different. You were not arav. You didnt look like him. Or me. Or your father. You still dont. You were also not a girl. But i got over that very quickly.

You are you. Nivaan. The holy one. The second one. The little one. The one born with small eyes and one flat ear and half a dimple. You are not as chubby as arav was. You are not as tall as him. But when you smile. Oh dear. When you smile your special smile. Or laugh your belly laugh. You light up my life. And i dont know when exactly i fell in love with you in last 6 months. But i did. N i realised loving you doesnt mean i love arav less. In fact loving you is loving arav his father n myself.

You may not look like any of us but you are a part of all of us. Like arav says Nivaan hamara baby hai.

My birth story(s)

I meant to write this a long time back. Now that both of them are taking synchronized naps may be i should.

I think i waited this long coz i wanted to see how my second time goes. whether the first time was just a fluke. or may be i didnt want to jinx it. but now that i am going to stop at two. i feel its important to share this. I have given birth twice. something that many before me have done and many after me will do.  So what is special about my story. Nothing. or may be everything.

Ok so mid of 2008 after i found out i was pregnant. I went through a lot of emotions which is a stuff for another post. But amongst everything the one thing i wanted most was a normal birth.(I later found out normal is a very relative term when it comes to birthing) Many around me had a C-section and i didnt think babies are supposed to come into the world that way. (I know its life-saving when needed. but i was thinking of uncalled for interventions) Husband was totally with me on this. And so the hunt began. and it is true that when you want something the whole universe conspires to bring it to you. coz within few days i chanced upon an article in TOI about Hypnobirthing. and it changed the way i thought of birth and my body and pregnancy and babies in general it was a life-changing thing.

We immediately ordered Marie Mongans book from US (now its available on flipkart) one thing led to other and i met wonderful Kasia who was a yoga instructor a doula and a hypno birth specialist among other things. I started my pre-natal yoga with her. And later the 5 weeks hypno birthing course with my husband. We were lucky to have four best instructors at that time*. Those few hours every friday we spent as a couple expecting our first child with these amazing women were the most defining moments of my birth story. They changed the entire mind-set. Those ridiculous myths that we have been told for years were busted. and I was very calm and confident about giving birth.

Everyone around me were skeptical about this. I realised i cant win them over so i stopped arguing. As long as there was one on my team my birth partner. Even my doctor sadly did not approve of everything i was asking for. But it was OK. I thought i will make her change her mind.

When the day came (2009)
My water broke at 3ish in the morning. One of the things I had come to understand was if yours is a low-risk pregnancy its better to reach the hospital later than early. That gives them less chance of intervening. So i went right back to sleep. Except it wasnt easy coz literally water was flowing out and you cant make it stop. So after several visits to the loo i decided to wake up my mom. We then went to the hospital at 4.30 am. by which time i could feel the surges. Now i was sort of fighting against the system. So i strictly refused to let them put a needle for IV in case i go for a C-sec. I just told them i wont. My parents were terrified that i was being so stubborn but they didnt say anything. Of course they did give me an enema coz i was too wary of fighting. i just needed to be left alone so i could keep calm n focus on my affirmations. I had expect i would birth around 10am i dont knw but i had given myself that time. So i was asking for my i-pod being setup meanwhile going thru my affirmations and breathing. Also i was taking whichever position i felt comfortable in. this is when they called me to the "labour room" and said im well on my way of birthing. WAIT WHAT?? Where is my husband i screamed. It was 6am. the doctor was being called. Luckily husband reached in next fifteen minutes. I had never been happier to see his face. I knew he would fight for me now and i can just shut myself and go to my deep place and communicate with my baby.And we did. Arav and I were having our own conversation and at 6.34 am he was birthed. It was amazing and a big relief. But if the birth went smooth the after-birth secnario was different. I was given an epsiotomy which i had specifically refused and for which husband fought too but i was too into the process to protest then. I dont knw if it was that or i just had the tendency to bleed but it took good 30 minutes for my uterus to contact and for stitches to be given. Honestly that was such a downer. And later we struggled with breastfeeding for about 10 days. The PND (post natal depression) was coming quick and heavy but somehow we tided through. and by we i mean Me and Arav. Dont think anyone else was ruffled by turn of events. So my perfect birth plan had some loose ends. but i more or less got through without too much interventions.

When the night came (2013)
This time "once bitten twice shy" prevailed. I honestly wanted a home-birth but my family thought i was taking this natural-birth thing too far. So i found myself at the same room with the same doctor. But i did smarten up and also parents were trusting me a little more. So when the surges started at 7pm i called the doctor and told her that they r 15 min apart and i wish to stay home longer. She agreed. I was reading "The oath of vayuputras" which got me through that entire uncomfortable day actually. Around 9.30 i was too restless and decided to walk on the terrace of mom's flat. Since i was just lying down the whole day it felt the right thing to do. Except it wasnt. i barely reached the terrace door and i had a strong urge to sit down. so quickly i came back to the living room and timed my surges. they were 4 mins apart. I signalled to my mom lets go. Surprisingly dad said are u sure? we can wait more if u like. I was amused by that thought but delaying didnt feel right. So we were there in the hospital. This time they insisted i keep the needle ready in my veins in case i bled like the last time. i had done my home work. i gave them a list of things i was ok with. The nurses exchanged some "here comes the know-it-all" looks. but kept quiet. And the doctor too was mellow. She didnt let me go into a room but allowed me to walk the corridors. I was already 10cm dilated she wanted to manually burst my water. I wouldn't let that happen. So we waited . At this time i must say husband and i were joking around. At 10.20ish it happened. i was inside the room with the husband. and we felt like these seasoned parents who could do this on our own. very cocky no? but we did. one more time. together as a team and out came Nivaan. all pink and raw. at 11.11pm. this time the post birth thing was different. i was calm about the pitocin drip that i was given after the birth. He weighed 3.75 kg and 50 cm long. He also had the cord around his neck. But these were just things which were told to me later. And i fed him minutes after birth. So i did manage to get my perfect birth. Almost. because once again episiotomy was given.

well you win some you lose some.

So this is what transpired. I have in the past said things like "oh giving birth is easier than getting your tooth extracted" but that is coz no one tells u wisdom tooth extraction can be such a bitch. What i mean is everyone has a birth story most of which is filled with horror nightmarish incidents. But with some pro-active research and getting the right support it doesnt have to be.
 

Here is the list of things and people who made almost natural birth possible for me (twice)

1. Hypnobirthing book by Marie Mongan http://hypnobirthing.com/
2. Kasia Wierzbicka Shahi : My wonderful yoga instructor and hypnobirthing instructor. She has recently started a birthing sanctuary in Goa. http://www.birthingsanctuary.com/
3. Kavita Mukhi : A wonderful person nutrionist, LLL leader and pioneer of Farmers market in Mumbai. Kavita was a pillar of strength both pre and post birth. and patiently heard me cry in the middle of the night. Thank you so much.
4. Ruth Malik : Founder of birthindia the movement empowering Indian women to get their birth back. http://www.birthindia.org/
5. Dr Sangeeta Shah : leading hypnotherapist and alternative healer. Also someone with a magically soothign voice  http://www.drsangeetashah.com/home.asp
6. La Leche League : this is an international organization to support women to breastfeed. It is full of wonderful volunteers who would mean more to you than anyone else whenyou are going through your post natal blues. Just the kind of person you would want around whether or not you breastfeed. https://www.llli.org/india.html
7. Arav and Nivaan : gotta give credit where it is due.  they decided to stay inside with very little discomfort to me (not much morning sickness good weight gain etc etc) they stayed till the very end. Both were born on a Sunday. 2 days before their respective due dates. and while one chose early morning other was my midnight sun.

A playdate gone wrong

Caution : If you are currently thinking of making a baby or baby no 2 STOP . Do not read further.

You are reading. Fair enough consider yourself warned.

So this is the story about how on a fine Saturday morning i decided it will be great to check out the mini sea-shore in our vicinity. One of the things we miss about Andheri was access to the beach. and Arav absolutely misses making sand castles. So i thought lets explore what is near us. And thus i put myself way out there and asked a couple of mommies to accompany us. Now playdating is so much more complicated than normal dating coz u have to take permission of maids, cooks, astrologers before you can say yes.

And if its a weekend then Husbands too....I have a husband who has flexible work timings. what it means is he is forever busy and what it translates to is he always thinks he deserves a break because he is always working. and he tends to get busier on the weekends. Now generally i wouldn't care about this but now i don't get invited to lunches. Also i think since im in a 2 kid zone while rest of the people are in 1 kid i have fallen off the grid. Add to it my man is not available. So even among mommies my social scene is bleak. Plus getting stood up on a playdate is the worst. A mom i know has gone back to work after 4 years of being SAHM (stay at home mom) and one of the reasons is she got tired of play-date politics. (read her very awesome blog here )

 And the entire friday it rained heavily so it looked like the plan would never take off. But Sat morning was bright and shining and our stars aligned with 3 other moms. And that was when i broke the news to Arav. Needless to say he was very excited.

So we packed beach toys and extra pair of clothes and some food. And kangaroo bag and car seat and stroller for Niv and took off for our adventure. We reached there before time got a nice place to park. And started walking towards our meeting point when it started drizzling lightly. At this time we remembered (I remembered) that I had forgotten Aravs raincoat and my big umbrella at home. Thats ok we kept walking. Within moments light drizzling gave way to heavy downpour with strom and what-not. We ran to the nearest cover. The rains lashed for 15 mins. Niv was shivering in my arms and Arav whined and complained about how forgetful his mamma is. And about 20 eyes of strangers looked at me like Iam a nut job for getting little kids in such weather. (I kind of agreed with them)

Our friends rescued us and dropped us back to our car. The plan was then changed to mall as we couldnt have taken these kids back home after promising them a fun day. After 17 seconds in the car Niv decided to cry his lungs out. I stopped the car jumped on the back seat and fed him. While the ac and wipers were on , it was heavily pouring outside and Arav was whining like it was the end of the world. I was very close to a meltdown and my brains were muddled by Niv's loud cries. Somehow i calmed all three of us and resumed driving. At the next light Niv gave up and just wailed and wailed. Arav got into a speech " I wish u hadnt made this baby. He delays everything. He wants feed feed feed all the time. I just hate everyone"

I did want to tell him that if i wasnt making babies then even he wouldnt be here. but i think the irony would have been lost on him. So i kept my eyes on the road and honked like i was possessed.

I pulled Niv out of the baby seat and in my lap and kept driving (yes i realise that was stupid but listening to a baby cry non stop can do weird things to your decision-making) at next light i asked Arav to pass the car seat ahead and I plopped Niv in it and blasted the radio. This scared both of them. So there were bewildered eyes looking at me and " Aa re pritam pyaare" playing at 40 volume in my car while i was deciding whether to just go home or stop at the mall. One look at Aravs face and i decided to stop. Meanwhile a friend who reached a little later at the sea-shore was calling me while i was driving. I decided to pick up the phone and let her hear Niv screaming. She got the point.

In the mall I let Arav do whatever he felt like. So he ate cotton candy and lollipop and ice cream and fries and burger and jumped and ran and even bought him a toy. All this time fed Niv like 28 times and flashed my boobs to the entire food court. But at this point I seriously didnt give a fuck.

After 3 hours of all this we trudged our way back to home. And surprisingly both were playing with the minion toy they got with their happy meal. As soon as i got home it started raining again. This time i just circled my car 5 times around our building and it stopped. Once inside i was on auto-pilot changing their clothes putting them down for a nap. At this point Arav remembered we didnt actually go to the beach and he said " you never keep ur promises i am very upset with u"

You ungrateful git.....Do u have any idea of what i went through just so you dont spend another weekend holed up at home? I chased those mommies so u can have friends to play with.....I cursed ur dad for working another weekend....I drove through crazy rains and a baby howling behind just so u can have a good time and this is what u tell me....

But i didnt say this to him...I just said " Shut-up and sleep and we will talk when u get up." and i remembered all the time my mum used to give this speech and i used to think well then u shouldnt have become a mommy....what u crying victim for? yes that was me.....now i want to roll on her feet and apologize and say thank you for everything she did for us.....and tell her how Karma is such a bitch and i have kids just like me....Next time i go to her house i will just tell her to save me from my kids ....for sometime....

So in case you are wondering what the two tykes were upto while i wrote this post? Well thats the stuff for my next post :)

A note to my 16 year old self

On the eve of turning  the big 3  0 i thought it will be fun to write a letter to my 16 year old self.  I remember my 16th birthday it wasnt very long ago it was a nice rainy day like every year. I was the last among my friends to turn 16. There was eating out and getting wet in the rain and bhutta and backstreet boys songs involved. So in short it was the best of times. Anyways back to the letter

Dear sweet sixteen Shweta

1. 30 is not old. Seriously nor is 40 or 50. And definetly not 20

2. You have amazing curly hair. You just dont know how to wear them. Domt worry you will learn . Stop ironing them

3. You will get married at 22. It will be an arranged marriage. You will become the ultimate marwari housewife. (Yeah sounds unbelievable right?)

4. You will not be fat atleast. Well except when you are expecting and after giving birth and few years in between

5. You will be mom to 2 boys. Yup thats right. Dont worry they are adorable.

6. You will never use trigonometry, statistics, accounts, derivatives, or pretty much all other things you are studying right now in your life.

7. Dont aspire to become a cpa or a cfa. Try to find a career that will let you work from home. Dont scorn. In not so far future u will be grateful for this advice

8. You will teach music to kids. Right? How on earth did that happen? Music? Kids?

9. The friends you are spending a lot of time with right now will not bother to keep in touch. They wont come to your wedding. Wont even add you on facebook. Wait you dont know whats facebook. Its ok.. You will soon find out

10. Dont worry you will make new friends. Some of them will be there for you always.

11. The cute guy u have a crush on will become fat and lose hair. I know this through facebook. U will see.

12. You will realise no one can love you more than your parents. Also that you love them so very much.

13. You will miss your siblings. Yup they get on your nerves but you will miss them when you are far from them

14. You will learn to bake. Yay!!

15. You will learn to love yourself a little more.

16. You will judge people far less.

17. You will become less ignorant but also less innocent.

18. But you will not become cynical. ( except when you are PMSing that doesnt change)

19. You will be hopelessly optimistic. You will always remain Gods fav child.

20. Your tastes will change. Your choices will differ

21. But you will continue to love rains, poems, books, friends tv show, dance and desserts

22. You will enjoy silences, walk in the park and your own company.

23. Your love affair with june will never end.

24. You will become pregnant in june. Twice. Thats right

25. You will marry someone who is born in june just like you

26. He will be nothing like you

27. But he will be a lot like you

28. He will not be anything like you expect him to be.

29. Which actually is a very good thing

30. There is no one youer than you. (Thats a line by dr. Seuss. You will find out who that is)

Love you
30 yr old Shweta

Summer afternoons

Hot humid sticky
never ending
long summer afternoons

switch off the TV quick
lets take a nap
pull the curtains
oh no hes done potty
bring me
the wipes quick

turn off the tv i said
n start the AC
its so bloody hot
hehehe u said bleddy
whatever close your eyes now

NOW

i give u five minutes
to sleep or else
ok start the fan and turn off the AC
and bring me my phone its ringing
dont pick it up

can u also fetch baby's blanket please?

ok now sleep its 3 already
i will wake u at 5 u have skating class
why arent u sleeping?

Mamma u give me 100 things to do
how will i sleep?

Ok sorry can i give you a hug?
No its too hot....goodnight

The Night Games

You move too much you take up all the place
It is a queens bed there is only so much space
The mattress at the foot of the bed
with blue and red spiderman spread
thats yours remember?

Its been more than a year
Since we kicked you out of our bed
but every night since then you are back
Your feet you hands on my face they go smack

But there is another one now
inside my belly
fourth one on a bed meant for two
as restless as adamant as you

There is kicking and snatching
and grumbling and screaming
both inside and outside
and there is 3am loo breaks
where my bladder threatens to burst
and 4am hunger pangs, heartburn and thirst

And 6am the phone alarm goes off
the other adult who was never invited in our party of three
a reluctant guest in our tug-of-war soiree
grumbles his way out of the bed

only then we sleep peacefully
him/her and you and I
And the sun trickles through the window
the light on your head it makes a halo
and you giggle

What? why are you giggling?
"Purple" you say
What is purple?
The sky
Is it?
Yes....Good Morning....