Tonight I bleed

Tonight I bleed

My heart cries

My womb bleeds

Tonight we let go

It's our release

All the hurt and pain

I held within

The whole universe of

Pleasure and sin

Tonight I let go

Tonight I bleed

My womb mourns for the loss

Of life within

I cry for what could have been

Tonight we bleed

Tomorrow I will pick my weapons

I will fight my battles and win

But tonight I cry my silent tears

Tonight I bleed.

Things a Husband Should Never Say to a New Mom

Ladies, let's face it. Going into labour and birthing a baby has to be the toughest thing we do. And just when you expect your better half to step up and be there, they would be like a deer in headlights. So we have come up with a list of things that a husband should never ever say to his wife who has just had a baby.

"You have no idea how crazy it was. I will need therapy to forget that!"
Actual words spoken by a husband who was inside the delivery room. Yes of course I have no idea, I have only pushed a watermelon sized kid out of my lady bits.

"You still look like you have a baby inside you." 
Of course I do. It is 9 months to make a baby and 9 months to lose the weight. Make that 9 years. It’s an irrevocable change to my body and you better get used to that.

"I’m back from work. What did you do all day?"
Usually followed with a roll of eyes or some shit. Dude I kept your child alive. Make me coffee and call me beautiful.

"Are you sure we should go out to eat? Let’s just order in." 
Yes I am sure. Yes I will hate it and probably complain about it the whole time. But I still want to go out. I forgot what the outside world looks like.

"It is better I go alone to the party. The baby won’t like it and you would get hassled."
Duh! Of course, the baby isn’t going to like it. But how does that automatically gives you the right to leave? How about we switch places huh?

"Hey, the baby is crying!"
Are you serious? I know that. I can hear that cry across three walls. Hell my boobs start leaking at the first cry. But there is a reason why I am ignoring the crying baby. Get the hint? It is your turn. It is always your turn.

"Let’s not use protection, there is no way you can pregnant that soon!"
One tight slap on the face. Seriously this one really deserves the smack!

Do you have any more to add? Share them here.

This post was first published here. 

Jain couple taking diksha are they really selfish?

Lately, the news of a Jain couple taking Diksha has been doing the rounds. You may have read the story, shared it and/or commented on it. Usually, I take these things with a pinch of salt. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. And free internet has taken the freedom of speech to a whole new level. But with great freedom comes great responsibility and I definitely see no such considerations in the comments I have come across various mommy groups.

To briefly introduce the story, a young couple decided to take Jain Diksha (monk-hood) and leave behind their 3-year-old daughter. The outrage among mommy communities is totally understandable. How could they do this to their own daughter? Why have children if this was the path you wanted? Yes yes it would be so much easier if there was no child in the equation.

But what gets my goat is the way the outrage is directed mostly towards the mother. The headline reads “Man leaves 400 crore property behind and his wife leaves 3 years old daughter behind” Yes because we all know only a mother is responsible for the child, especially in India. If this story was only about the man taking Diksha it would be a hero story. Look at him leaving behind all that wealth. But lo behold the mother has taken a decision and out comes the daggers and knives.

I am a Jain. Not a very religious one but definitely born and brought up around principles of Jainism. My own aunt has taken diksha at the age of 16 years. This was 50 years ago. I regularly meet families where one or more members have taken diksha. Like every religion ours is divided into many different sects too. And I am no expert on any. But this is what my understanding is, Jainism preaches control on one’s own self. Moksha is the state of enlightenment where you leave all the worldly pleasures and relations behind. We have to rise above the moh and maaya. That’s the ultimate goal of being born a human.

The one line that defines Jain priniciples for me is “Nij par shasan fir anushasan” which means we have to exercise discipline on ourselves before we can preach to others.

The process of Diksha is a complicated one. It is not granted to anyone who asks for it. There is an elaborate scrutiny. There are tests in place to check whether this is what a person truly wants and whether they can survive the hardships that come along this path. There is a transition period where they live like interns and are sent back home all this to test their calling. It is only when all these stages are successfully cleared, does one become a sadhu or sadhvi.

I read in an article that started off as an apology to the three year old that her parents were too selfish and that they conveniently dumped her on grandparents like how kids are dumped in dumpsters. Really?! How can you compare the two situations? In a society like ours where so many parents are working almost 12-15 hours a day outside home, isn’t it the grandparents who are playing the role of primary caregivers? Agreed the two situations are not alike but it definitely is not justified to compare it to the dumpster example, is it?

Rather than pointing fingers at this couple how about we direct our outrage towards the state of child-care in our country? We all know the idiom “It takes a village to raise a child.” Where is this village? Where is the support system for a mother? Why the world come pointing fingers at her if she chooses to follow a path that takes her away from the child? In an ideal world a child should be born in a loving community and if the parents for some reason can’t take care of the child, the community would. But we are far from this idealism and it is very easy to hold the mother accountable.

People are saying they should not have had the child if they were very religious from the beginning. But, this is a spiritual decision. It is a calling very difficult to ignore. It can build up over the years or take a moment to feel like that. I am sure they didn’t plan for it to happen this way.

I have no idea what their personal situation is. But one thing I have learned as an adult is, we all should have the right to define our own Normal. We should not be judged for choosing a path which is different than the so called “norms” of the society.

This post first appeared here

Azaadi moms ki

Happy Independence Day!

Wait you are a mom you don’t know what freedom is. You are a chattel slave of a three feet human that you produced! That too sober! (or not)

Anyway, since we are talking about freedom, here is a list of things we mothers need freedom from on this independence day:

1.       Judgemental people: They say it takes a whole village to raise a child. But can we do away with the judgy village folk? No really the last thing I need is for you to judge me just because my child is throwing a very untimely tantrum

2.       Unwanted advice: Scratch that. Any Advice period. Seriously the moment we get pregnant the whole world and their mother thinks they have to unload advice on us. All of a sudden in-laws, neighbors, maids, neighbors’ maids, door ki Maasi, Delhi wali bua, and sundry feels the need to share their invaluable gyaan. No thank you Auntyji.

3.       Maid tantrums: Can we please please have house help insurance? If one leaves us in lurch the insurance guys have to replace with another. Because finding one, training her, learning to trust her only to be ditched at the altar is the worst kind of heartbreak.

4.       Martyr Syndrome: Can we get a break from this selfless, all –giving , every forgiving, putting herself last Nirupama Roy wali Maa? We are Prisma dude! We are unapologetic, bad-ass, stealing our kids’ chocolates, swearing under our breath Maa.

5.       Peer pressure: You know that impeccably dressed mother of an over-achiever kid? Sitting in the front row of all school functions, first name basis with the principal whose child is winning the student of the year award. Or the one whose timeline is filled with flawless family pictures at Phoren locations who conducts a bake sale for charity and throws the best birthday parties. The tiger mother who always makes you feel bad for your lazy panda parenting. Yes those moms. I’m allergic to them. My child goes to school in bus because I don’t want to encounter this specie at the school gate

6.       Whatsapp groups: If you are a mom of two this is what your Whatsapp looks like.

o   Grade 3 D Division

o   Jr KG Division A

o   Grade 3 GHV school

o   Chess class Monday Batch

o   Gymnastics @ Don Bosco

o   Class Café

o   Kiaan turns 4

o   Moms club 

o   Drawing class @ JB

o   Ganpati Dance Rehearsals – Junior group

o   I-day elocution practice group

This list is unending. Whatsapp has to be the bane of my existence as a mother. It almost makes me wonder if parenting was even possible before the invention of Whatsapp.

7.       School work and projects : Think of all the best out of waste, Environment friendly Ganesha, Dress up as freedom fighter, Poster on water conservation, working model of a car made our of milk carton. Think of all the hours spent making crap nobody cares about. Sign me out please.

8.       Birthday Parties: No really. Can we just have a drop off birthday party where both kids are invited irrespective of their age and where the mother insists on no-gift no return gift policy? I don’t want to dress up and hang around bunch of equally jaded parents at an extremely noisy hall which serves sugar bombs and make my already hyper kids hyperventilate. I definitely don’t want to see another mom in a matching matching dress as her child. NO. Just NO.

9.       Mommy Politics: Breast or Bottle? Cloth or Disposable? Organic or Natural? Baby wearing or Baby holding? Normal or C-section? Co-sleeping or baby cot? Only child or siblings? ICSE or CBSE or IB or Waldorf or Home schooling? Anti-biotics or Homeopathy? English or Mother tongue? Screen time or not? I don’t want this. I don’t want to read another article telling me working mothers raise independent kids or stay-at-home mother’s children are more secure. Just let us be please. Parenting is hard enough without adding all this politics to it.

10.   Unpaid Labor: Motherhood is nothing but 20 years (if you are lucky) of bonded unpaid labor. A salary.com survey tells us an average stay-at-home mom is putting in 94 hours a week and worth more than $112,0004 year. That’s right! No more free labor. We want to be paid. Because we are worth it!

This post was first featured on First Moms Club website.

Hormonal imbalance

When I birthed my younger son, I realized that I will be living with only males. It was a scary thought. There is the husband the 8 year old and a 4 year old. Even our help is a man. So you can imagine the testosterone levels tend to tip on the higher side. Usually I dont bother much about this but its a different story every time I am PMSing.

Yes in a house full of these XY creatures I unleash my hormonal imbalance every three weeks. and these poor sods don't know where to hide. I would write them a handbook if i wasn't so angry at all of them. 

Anyway so husband has a great way to handle this. He stocks chocolates in the house and make travel plans to conveniently avoid the crazy days. It took me a while to understand his modus operandi. But I kind of like it now. Its so much better than him being around and me feeling murderous towards him. Kids on the other hand have no clue why their mother becomes this fire spewing dragon every few days. 

Sometime ago I took Arav aside and told him about periods. I said Mamma has an organ in her body "uterus" which is where she kept you and N before you were born. And every month when there is no baby inside that organ expels the extra tissues and blood and Mamma ends up feeling uncomfortable and unwell. and that is also why I become all shouty at you guys. His first reaction was wow. Your body is so complicated. But now he is a super trooper on my team. Fetches me things and in general leaves me alone.

Yesterday I heard him tell N its mamma's private days and she needs rest. So both of them played quietly on their i-pads (yes take all the gadgets you want just leave me alone please) And today morning both got ready for school on their own. Meanwhile I was slithering on the bed, rolling myself on the heating pad. When we were in the elevator, both hugged me. Arav commented I was like a pokemon (i forgot the name) who has fire in his belly because my tummy was so warm. He kissed my tummy and said Listen uterus mamma has us she doesnt want more babies so dont trouble her so much. and he left for his bus. Can you imagine how mushy that made me? 

Anyway it did not take away my pain but at least I hope when they are with their partners they would be tad more sensitive towards them. 

If not they can always stock on chocolates and take the easy way out.