Of mothers and sisters

Few days ago we went out for dinner. Just husband and I. He didn't know this but for me it was our birthday celebration. Our birthdays which were a month ago. It rained like crazy and the 3 year old had a bad viral scene so of course we didn't have any celebration. The husband did not notice that. Birthdays are no big deal for him. But they are for me. So few days ago when mother in law was visiting I dropped massive hints about how he owes me a dinner and he booked us a table at a happening place in Bandra. It takes one of the visits from one of the grand moms for us to have a decent dinner out. I'm one of those crazy moms who refused to hire a nanny (which in India most of us can) A decision I quite frankly question a lot. At least twice a day. You see I'm selfish. I want all of my children's time. But I also want some of mine. It is like being on a treadmill. I'm constantly on the move but I'm forever on hold. You know what I mean? If you are nodding your head right now, you have children under the age of 40.

So anyway back to this dinner. I dressed up and washed and conditioned and gelled my hair. and clicked dozen selfies and sent them to my favorite girls. My sister replied "You look like mom from back when she was young" I knew which picture she was referring to. We have seen few of mum's black and white photos. Bell bottom pants and puff sleeved top. Long hair with just one snake like latt near her eyebrow. And kohl in her big eyes. She must be barely 14 in that picture. I tried to remember what I looked like at 14. I had to shake my head to forget that horrific image. I remembered the times when people have told me I look like my mom. When I was a teenager I would take offence. I thought it meant I look old. When I just had Arav I was embarrassed coz I thought it meant I'm fat. But now I know it is a huge compliment. To be told I look like my mom. Will I ever carry myself with the confidence she does? The dignity that her personality has. I dont know I can only try. I think of all her three children I resemble her the most and she knows that. She has mentioned it to me whenever I put some weight on. Meanwhile her opinion on my sartorial choices is this " Why are you so ajeeb?"  Just two days ago we planned to meet a cousin who was not well and she casually mentioned wear a kurti and come. I knew what she meant she did not want me to be ajeeb.

The same day my little one said "Aap ekdum maasi lag rahe ho" I giggled with him. This again would have offended me in a previous life time. Back when we were growing up if someone mentioned oh you sisters look so alike we would vehemently disagree. People always assumed I was the older one and it enraged me. Once someone assumed I'm the mother of her son while shes the new bride ( I was barely 18 years old then) As a teen ager where I was craving to create my own identity such comparisons would irk me. But today I'm grateful. If someone says you look so much like your sister I would take it as a huge compliment. Shes pretty and graceful. And she's highly photogenic. I think the reason Niv said I look like Maasi is because I was dressed up. He must have so far only seen me in my ajeeb avatar. So this must be a nice change for him.

Yes I would like to be more like Mom and Dee Dee. Not just in looks. But this is a beginning I think.

To Anupama

I lost a friend yesterday so we will be cancelling further classes.

I sent this message out two months ago. How funny it sounds. I lost a friend. My dear friend passed away. What does that even mean? Followed by I'm sorry for your loss. May God give you strength. Rest in peace. And the worst RIP (typed like that)

I don't want strength you know. I want my friend back. I never thought at 33 I would be saying goodbye to a friend. I thought that is something you do when you are like 70. 

Who dies on a Sunday? One Sunday we are chatting on our Whatsapp group and for the first time we all agreed on a travel plan. You said you would show us your very old house and then take us for a day trip to Dandeli. Monday morning I replied with dates and said Please give your blessings to this plan Anu. And then the following Monday I was at your funeral. How? Are you smiling at me right now? Are you happy where you are? Coz I'm angry. I am so so angry with you. Who does that? Leaves everything and just disappear. If you were here you would have counselled me out of my grief. You were the fucking counselor. Now where do we go?

Every time I scroll through my phone I see your pictures. You with your kind eyes twinkling behind those glasses. You didn't want to come for Arav's birthday but you did. And there are videos and pictures and you are every where. The dp of our whatsapp group. that you insisted needed to be updated. And how we all laughed look at Anupama talking about DP and shit. You were the most un virtual person. Anupama hum sabki Maa. We are coming to your house feed us watch our kids and listen to us whine. Always smiling always kind always giving. 

That trail you showed me one morning. You sensed I was sulking so you told me bunk yoga class today i will pick you up. We snuck inside that college to look at the gorgeous view. You told me about this red bird which is your favorite (I cant even recall its name) You told me about parenting and life. You said I am you ten years younger. You had this unhurried pace. Slow and kind, you spoke so softly. Where are we going to find that now? You said this birthday you will paint me a tshirt "Every tall girl needs a short best friend" Guess what my birthday is here and you are not.

You were so shy always in the background. You used to say young mothers need to be educated Shweta, they are lonely they need to be counselled. We will do it together. You do the advertising I would do the workshops. Now what do I do? You drew that nice logo for my company. Tiny Tribes. And within 15 days of my launch you went away. I remember those visits to the hospital. I remember the call you made me. I was the first one you called when Sam was not reachable. And what did i do? Nothing. I couldn't help you. Do you even know how that makes me feel? 

Every time I shower I cry. I find staying angry at you is easier. Coz otherwise I just feel miserable and helpless. and why should I? You clearly moved on, without so much of a goodbye. Arav says you are a tree now. which is very apt I think. I can close my eyes and see your face. I can hear your voice as you play with Nivaan. I can imagine all your expressions. And I wonder how is Aaryaman going to make peace with this? 

I know there was a reason why we became friends. You told me you don't make friends easily. Neither do I. There was a reason why you walked into my class with baby Aaryaman. and why in the last five years we knew each other only last year we got so close. I am happy that I was with you on your birthday. It was such a nice evening. We were surrounded by our kids and books. In that cozy corner of your house under that wise owl you painted. I thought you would always be there to guide me. And I cannot accept that you are not here anymore. Going back to your house has been the most painful thing. Parking under your building taking the lift upto your house and then finding your photograph in your living room, instead of you. Where you always welcomed us fed us awesome food showed your latest paintings/knits/plants. I cant even make myself look at that picture of you.

I miss you. I am sure you are in a much better place surrounded by trees and birds and soil and caterpillars. Please send us some love. I will try to remember what you said. Give it sometime. Time will heal everything. 

Till we meet again my dear, Goodbye.

An angry letter of love

Dear Arav

            I know I have been very angry these days. I know you have noticed it and you have tried to cheer me up. And today after you threw that tantrum I got angrier than ever before. It shocked you and believe me it shocked me too. While I was chiding you for throwing a tantrum over something so silly, I conveniently forgot that I was doing the same. Oh the irony! You are not yet 7 and I expect you to rein in your emotions while I at 32 have no idea how to do it. Of all the people in the house it is your emotions that affect me the most. If you are happy everything is wonderful if you are upset I am angry. That's too much responsibility to put on you. Is that the reason why you are not so sure of yourself? You second guess all your moves. Meanwhile your younger brother enters every room like he owns it. He thinks the world owes him a giant favor. I look at him with mild amusement and he looks at me with a condescending smile. He misbehaves and I brush it off. But if you have a meltdown my entire world goes upside down. I realize how unfair it is for you. I don't even want to say sorry coz it feels so hollow. Here I am sitting and giving you a lecture about how you refuse to change while I am shamelessly doing the same. One day you will catch my bluff. What will I do then? It doesn't help that you are almost as big as a 10 year old. I should be able to carry you and make you sit on my lap. But you are already too big.

See that is the whole problem. You come into our wombs and nothing prepares us for what follows next. You are a part of us and then you come out and still remain a part of us. You are like an extension of us. For days and nights its just you and us. We spend lonely nights and days feeding you and burping you and cleaning you and cooing at you. Your cuteness and our hormones send us on this frenzy. You are a sweet little helpless blob and we are the center of your universe. And then slowly and suddenly one day you just stop needing us. In spite of knowing that it is coming we are still blind sided. It happens to the best of us. One moment we are tearing our hair apart crying in our pillows of sheer exhaustion and next moment we are left gob smacked by your independence. This is what sucks about being a parent. Don't get me wrong. My heart fills with pride watching you grow up so beautifully but there is also a part of me which is left desperate and desiccated.

It is this and many other things that make me so angry these days, None of which you are responsible for, but yet you bear the brunt of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fit to be near you guys. I wonder if I am scarring you for life and damaging you so much that you need therapy when you grow up. I'm sorry for being a mean mommy. If someone was to hear the threats I shout at you guys they might arrest me. But my only hope is that every time I issue these threats to you with my best murderous looks the two of you break into giggles. I hope I always sound ridiculous and that you never stop giggling.

Love you always

Your Mamma.