Happy love day

Happy valentines day everyone….. Its been a real long time since I wrote anything….between the almost 5 year old and the almost 1 year old my blog got royally ignored. But today I want to write something close to my heart. Today being what it is it feels like cupid has puked rainbows and hearts all over my FB wall and whatsapp list. People have changed their DPs and status. Tagged their better halves. Mothers have proclaimed that there is no better valentines than their kids. Someone has tagged their dad (not sure if the said dad knows that he has a FB account). So on and so forth. And while its easy to sit and make fun of all this I for one am trying to enjoy all this PDA.

I mean yes some people can be really cheesy but is it that bad to put up a collage of your favourite pics together. Or if its your anniversary look back at the years spent and write a little something about it. Now every couple has one person who will be the first to update their significant others birthday anniversary or compliment them in social media. While the other act like they are not related. Seldom I see both parties equally excited. And I always end up feeling a little bad for the excited person. Coz that’s me I relate to them. Ever since I remember my birthday has been a big deal for me. Also i am the Subodh of my family. So I remember all dates important or not. Engagement anniversary , first kiss , first fight, first phone call. All of it. So I am the butt of all jokes. Im the dorky one who needs to get a life or grow up. Like remembering a nice event is such a bad thing. Meanwhile the ones who boast of not remembering anything or I don’t care about my birthday or valentines is a western thing or I don’t get why we need to celebrate our love only one day, these people are cool. Its almost like our culture celebrates negative emotion. If you are dark and brooding or reserved you have this mysterious aura. But if you are happy and sun shiny and expressive about your happiness then you are the quintessential dork. Its almost fashionable to diss PDA.

What is wrong in being mainstream? What is wrong in celebrating a day for love? To profess your love on social media or get flowers or bake a cake or write a poem? Its corny its cheesy its done to death but if you feel like than why the hell not? I love all occasions all celebrations. I think we cannot have enough excuses to be happy. Especially after Arav I feel the need to exaggerate all celebrations. Today he came from school and asked me to drive him to the mall. “Because I want to buy you something. Because teacher said its valentines day and you should gift someone you love the most. And its you mamma I love you the most and I want to buy you a nice nail polish. Pink or orange.” And that’s all it took for my heart to melt into a mush. So haters can hate and cynics can roll their eyes. But I love someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.

Happy to be sappy :)

Happy valentines day again

Nivaan

Nivaan. He has turned 6 months old. Sometime when i was not looking and when the days poured into nights turned into days, time just kept flying.Not so long ago he was inside me. Kicking. Dancing. Hiccuping. We watched tv till 4 coz we couldnt sleep. I put my swollen ankles up ate some junk while he swam in my tummy. He was getting big in there. I was restless. And yet.

Yet i wanted to stretch that time. I knew what happens when they come out. It has happened once already. Arav has grown up on a fast forward mode. I didnt click enough pictures didnt shoot enough videos. I dont remember what his first words were. I have forgotten how he sounded when he said l instead of r. And also i knew i will miss being pregnant.

But you kept ur date. One moment i was huge n round n walking to the hospital in my ugly green gown. The next you were out in my arms. Pink n raw and spiked hair. Aman mama called you gangnam style for few days. My body ached but it felt good to have you out.

We got you home. It was all very strange. Even though i have been through this once. I wanted to get back to my normal life. But i didnt know what was normal anymore. Arav was confused. There were too many people in the house and his mamma wasnt there for him. i wasnt going to school with him or dressing him up. I wasnt playing with him. I didnt even look like myself. And then there was you. New member in our family.

It wasnt love at first sight. I may have only liked you slightly. My entire concern was arav the second i delivered you. I wondered what he would think when he would hold you. When i sat feeding you in a room and heard arav cry, i wanted to run to him. You were different. You were not arav. You didnt look like him. Or me. Or your father. You still dont. You were also not a girl. But i got over that very quickly.

You are you. Nivaan. The holy one. The second one. The little one. The one born with small eyes and one flat ear and half a dimple. You are not as chubby as arav was. You are not as tall as him. But when you smile. Oh dear. When you smile your special smile. Or laugh your belly laugh. You light up my life. And i dont know when exactly i fell in love with you in last 6 months. But i did. N i realised loving you doesnt mean i love arav less. In fact loving you is loving arav his father n myself.

You may not look like any of us but you are a part of all of us. Like arav says Nivaan hamara baby hai.

My birth story(s)

I meant to write this a long time back. Now that both of them are taking synchronized naps may be i should.

I think i waited this long coz i wanted to see how my second time goes. whether the first time was just a fluke. or may be i didnt want to jinx it. but now that i am going to stop at two. i feel its important to share this. I have given birth twice. something that many before me have done and many after me will do.  So what is special about my story. Nothing. or may be everything.

Ok so mid of 2008 after i found out i was pregnant. I went through a lot of emotions which is a stuff for another post. But amongst everything the one thing i wanted most was a normal birth.(I later found out normal is a very relative term when it comes to birthing) Many around me had a C-section and i didnt think babies are supposed to come into the world that way. (I know its life-saving when needed. but i was thinking of uncalled for interventions) Husband was totally with me on this. And so the hunt began. and it is true that when you want something the whole universe conspires to bring it to you. coz within few days i chanced upon an article in TOI about Hypnobirthing. and it changed the way i thought of birth and my body and pregnancy and babies in general it was a life-changing thing.

We immediately ordered Marie Mongans book from US (now its available on flipkart) one thing led to other and i met wonderful Kasia who was a yoga instructor a doula and a hypno birth specialist among other things. I started my pre-natal yoga with her. And later the 5 weeks hypno birthing course with my husband. We were lucky to have four best instructors at that time*. Those few hours every friday we spent as a couple expecting our first child with these amazing women were the most defining moments of my birth story. They changed the entire mind-set. Those ridiculous myths that we have been told for years were busted. and I was very calm and confident about giving birth.

Everyone around me were skeptical about this. I realised i cant win them over so i stopped arguing. As long as there was one on my team my birth partner. Even my doctor sadly did not approve of everything i was asking for. But it was OK. I thought i will make her change her mind.

When the day came (2009)
My water broke at 3ish in the morning. One of the things I had come to understand was if yours is a low-risk pregnancy its better to reach the hospital later than early. That gives them less chance of intervening. So i went right back to sleep. Except it wasnt easy coz literally water was flowing out and you cant make it stop. So after several visits to the loo i decided to wake up my mom. We then went to the hospital at 4.30 am. by which time i could feel the surges. Now i was sort of fighting against the system. So i strictly refused to let them put a needle for IV in case i go for a C-sec. I just told them i wont. My parents were terrified that i was being so stubborn but they didnt say anything. Of course they did give me an enema coz i was too wary of fighting. i just needed to be left alone so i could keep calm n focus on my affirmations. I had expect i would birth around 10am i dont knw but i had given myself that time. So i was asking for my i-pod being setup meanwhile going thru my affirmations and breathing. Also i was taking whichever position i felt comfortable in. this is when they called me to the "labour room" and said im well on my way of birthing. WAIT WHAT?? Where is my husband i screamed. It was 6am. the doctor was being called. Luckily husband reached in next fifteen minutes. I had never been happier to see his face. I knew he would fight for me now and i can just shut myself and go to my deep place and communicate with my baby.And we did. Arav and I were having our own conversation and at 6.34 am he was birthed. It was amazing and a big relief. But if the birth went smooth the after-birth secnario was different. I was given an epsiotomy which i had specifically refused and for which husband fought too but i was too into the process to protest then. I dont knw if it was that or i just had the tendency to bleed but it took good 30 minutes for my uterus to contact and for stitches to be given. Honestly that was such a downer. And later we struggled with breastfeeding for about 10 days. The PND (post natal depression) was coming quick and heavy but somehow we tided through. and by we i mean Me and Arav. Dont think anyone else was ruffled by turn of events. So my perfect birth plan had some loose ends. but i more or less got through without too much interventions.

When the night came (2013)
This time "once bitten twice shy" prevailed. I honestly wanted a home-birth but my family thought i was taking this natural-birth thing too far. So i found myself at the same room with the same doctor. But i did smarten up and also parents were trusting me a little more. So when the surges started at 7pm i called the doctor and told her that they r 15 min apart and i wish to stay home longer. She agreed. I was reading "The oath of vayuputras" which got me through that entire uncomfortable day actually. Around 9.30 i was too restless and decided to walk on the terrace of mom's flat. Since i was just lying down the whole day it felt the right thing to do. Except it wasnt. i barely reached the terrace door and i had a strong urge to sit down. so quickly i came back to the living room and timed my surges. they were 4 mins apart. I signalled to my mom lets go. Surprisingly dad said are u sure? we can wait more if u like. I was amused by that thought but delaying didnt feel right. So we were there in the hospital. This time they insisted i keep the needle ready in my veins in case i bled like the last time. i had done my home work. i gave them a list of things i was ok with. The nurses exchanged some "here comes the know-it-all" looks. but kept quiet. And the doctor too was mellow. She didnt let me go into a room but allowed me to walk the corridors. I was already 10cm dilated she wanted to manually burst my water. I wouldn't let that happen. So we waited . At this time i must say husband and i were joking around. At 10.20ish it happened. i was inside the room with the husband. and we felt like these seasoned parents who could do this on our own. very cocky no? but we did. one more time. together as a team and out came Nivaan. all pink and raw. at 11.11pm. this time the post birth thing was different. i was calm about the pitocin drip that i was given after the birth. He weighed 3.75 kg and 50 cm long. He also had the cord around his neck. But these were just things which were told to me later. And i fed him minutes after birth. So i did manage to get my perfect birth. Almost. because once again episiotomy was given.

well you win some you lose some.

So this is what transpired. I have in the past said things like "oh giving birth is easier than getting your tooth extracted" but that is coz no one tells u wisdom tooth extraction can be such a bitch. What i mean is everyone has a birth story most of which is filled with horror nightmarish incidents. But with some pro-active research and getting the right support it doesnt have to be.
 

Here is the list of things and people who made almost natural birth possible for me (twice)

1. Hypnobirthing book by Marie Mongan http://hypnobirthing.com/
2. Kasia Wierzbicka Shahi : My wonderful yoga instructor and hypnobirthing instructor. She has recently started a birthing sanctuary in Goa. http://www.birthingsanctuary.com/
3. Kavita Mukhi : A wonderful person nutrionist, LLL leader and pioneer of Farmers market in Mumbai. Kavita was a pillar of strength both pre and post birth. and patiently heard me cry in the middle of the night. Thank you so much.
4. Ruth Malik : Founder of birthindia the movement empowering Indian women to get their birth back. http://www.birthindia.org/
5. Dr Sangeeta Shah : leading hypnotherapist and alternative healer. Also someone with a magically soothign voice  http://www.drsangeetashah.com/home.asp
6. La Leche League : this is an international organization to support women to breastfeed. It is full of wonderful volunteers who would mean more to you than anyone else whenyou are going through your post natal blues. Just the kind of person you would want around whether or not you breastfeed. https://www.llli.org/india.html
7. Arav and Nivaan : gotta give credit where it is due.  they decided to stay inside with very little discomfort to me (not much morning sickness good weight gain etc etc) they stayed till the very end. Both were born on a Sunday. 2 days before their respective due dates. and while one chose early morning other was my midnight sun.