To Anupama

I lost a friend yesterday so we will be cancelling further classes.

I sent this message out two months ago. How funny it sounds. I lost a friend. My dear friend passed away. What does that even mean? Followed by I'm sorry for your loss. May God give you strength. Rest in peace. And the worst RIP (typed like that)

I don't want strength you know. I want my friend back. I never thought at 33 I would be saying goodbye to a friend. I thought that is something you do when you are like 70. 

Who dies on a Sunday? One Sunday we are chatting on our Whatsapp group and for the first time we all agreed on a travel plan. You said you would show us your very old house and then take us for a day trip to Dandeli. Monday morning I replied with dates and said Please give your blessings to this plan Anu. And then the following Monday I was at your funeral. How? Are you smiling at me right now? Are you happy where you are? Coz I'm angry. I am so so angry with you. Who does that? Leaves everything and just disappear. If you were here you would have counselled me out of my grief. You were the fucking counselor. Now where do we go?

Every time I scroll through my phone I see your pictures. You with your kind eyes twinkling behind those glasses. You didn't want to come for Arav's birthday but you did. And there are videos and pictures and you are every where. The dp of our whatsapp group. that you insisted needed to be updated. And how we all laughed look at Anupama talking about DP and shit. You were the most un virtual person. Anupama hum sabki Maa. We are coming to your house feed us watch our kids and listen to us whine. Always smiling always kind always giving. 

That trail you showed me one morning. You sensed I was sulking so you told me bunk yoga class today i will pick you up. We snuck inside that college to look at the gorgeous view. You told me about this red bird which is your favorite (I cant even recall its name) You told me about parenting and life. You said I am you ten years younger. You had this unhurried pace. Slow and kind, you spoke so softly. Where are we going to find that now? You said this birthday you will paint me a tshirt "Every tall girl needs a short best friend" Guess what my birthday is here and you are not.

You were so shy always in the background. You used to say young mothers need to be educated Shweta, they are lonely they need to be counselled. We will do it together. You do the advertising I would do the workshops. Now what do I do? You drew that nice logo for my company. Tiny Tribes. And within 15 days of my launch you went away. I remember those visits to the hospital. I remember the call you made me. I was the first one you called when Sam was not reachable. And what did i do? Nothing. I couldn't help you. Do you even know how that makes me feel? 

Every time I shower I cry. I find staying angry at you is easier. Coz otherwise I just feel miserable and helpless. and why should I? You clearly moved on, without so much of a goodbye. Arav says you are a tree now. which is very apt I think. I can close my eyes and see your face. I can hear your voice as you play with Nivaan. I can imagine all your expressions. And I wonder how is Aaryaman going to make peace with this? 

I know there was a reason why we became friends. You told me you don't make friends easily. Neither do I. There was a reason why you walked into my class with baby Aaryaman. and why in the last five years we knew each other only last year we got so close. I am happy that I was with you on your birthday. It was such a nice evening. We were surrounded by our kids and books. In that cozy corner of your house under that wise owl you painted. I thought you would always be there to guide me. And I cannot accept that you are not here anymore. Going back to your house has been the most painful thing. Parking under your building taking the lift upto your house and then finding your photograph in your living room, instead of you. Where you always welcomed us fed us awesome food showed your latest paintings/knits/plants. I cant even make myself look at that picture of you.

I miss you. I am sure you are in a much better place surrounded by trees and birds and soil and caterpillars. Please send us some love. I will try to remember what you said. Give it sometime. Time will heal everything. 

Till we meet again my dear, Goodbye.