Dear Arav
I know I have been very angry these days. I know you have noticed it and you have tried to cheer me up. And today after you threw that tantrum I got angrier than ever before. It shocked you and believe me it shocked me too. While I was chiding you for throwing a tantrum over something so silly, I conveniently forgot that I was doing the same. Oh the irony! You are not yet 7 and I expect you to rein in your emotions while I at 32 have no idea how to do it. Of all the people in the house it is your emotions that affect me the most. If you are happy everything is wonderful if you are upset I am angry. That's too much responsibility to put on you. Is that the reason why you are not so sure of yourself? You second guess all your moves. Meanwhile your younger brother enters every room like he owns it. He thinks the world owes him a giant favor. I look at him with mild amusement and he looks at me with a condescending smile. He misbehaves and I brush it off. But if you have a meltdown my entire world goes upside down. I realize how unfair it is for you. I don't even want to say sorry coz it feels so hollow. Here I am sitting and giving you a lecture about how you refuse to change while I am shamelessly doing the same. One day you will catch my bluff. What will I do then? It doesn't help that you are almost as big as a 10 year old. I should be able to carry you and make you sit on my lap. But you are already too big.
See that is the whole problem. You come into our wombs and nothing prepares us for what follows next. You are a part of us and then you come out and still remain a part of us. You are like an extension of us. For days and nights its just you and us. We spend lonely nights and days feeding you and burping you and cleaning you and cooing at you. Your cuteness and our hormones send us on this frenzy. You are a sweet little helpless blob and we are the center of your universe. And then slowly and suddenly one day you just stop needing us. In spite of knowing that it is coming we are still blind sided. It happens to the best of us. One moment we are tearing our hair apart crying in our pillows of sheer exhaustion and next moment we are left gob smacked by your independence. This is what sucks about being a parent. Don't get me wrong. My heart fills with pride watching you grow up so beautifully but there is also a part of me which is left desperate and desiccated.
It is this and many other things that make me so angry these days, None of which you are responsible for, but yet you bear the brunt of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fit to be near you guys. I wonder if I am scarring you for life and damaging you so much that you need therapy when you grow up. I'm sorry for being a mean mommy. If someone was to hear the threats I shout at you guys they might arrest me. But my only hope is that every time I issue these threats to you with my best murderous looks the two of you break into giggles. I hope I always sound ridiculous and that you never stop giggling.
Love you always
Your Mamma.
I know I have been very angry these days. I know you have noticed it and you have tried to cheer me up. And today after you threw that tantrum I got angrier than ever before. It shocked you and believe me it shocked me too. While I was chiding you for throwing a tantrum over something so silly, I conveniently forgot that I was doing the same. Oh the irony! You are not yet 7 and I expect you to rein in your emotions while I at 32 have no idea how to do it. Of all the people in the house it is your emotions that affect me the most. If you are happy everything is wonderful if you are upset I am angry. That's too much responsibility to put on you. Is that the reason why you are not so sure of yourself? You second guess all your moves. Meanwhile your younger brother enters every room like he owns it. He thinks the world owes him a giant favor. I look at him with mild amusement and he looks at me with a condescending smile. He misbehaves and I brush it off. But if you have a meltdown my entire world goes upside down. I realize how unfair it is for you. I don't even want to say sorry coz it feels so hollow. Here I am sitting and giving you a lecture about how you refuse to change while I am shamelessly doing the same. One day you will catch my bluff. What will I do then? It doesn't help that you are almost as big as a 10 year old. I should be able to carry you and make you sit on my lap. But you are already too big.
See that is the whole problem. You come into our wombs and nothing prepares us for what follows next. You are a part of us and then you come out and still remain a part of us. You are like an extension of us. For days and nights its just you and us. We spend lonely nights and days feeding you and burping you and cleaning you and cooing at you. Your cuteness and our hormones send us on this frenzy. You are a sweet little helpless blob and we are the center of your universe. And then slowly and suddenly one day you just stop needing us. In spite of knowing that it is coming we are still blind sided. It happens to the best of us. One moment we are tearing our hair apart crying in our pillows of sheer exhaustion and next moment we are left gob smacked by your independence. This is what sucks about being a parent. Don't get me wrong. My heart fills with pride watching you grow up so beautifully but there is also a part of me which is left desperate and desiccated.
It is this and many other things that make me so angry these days, None of which you are responsible for, but yet you bear the brunt of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fit to be near you guys. I wonder if I am scarring you for life and damaging you so much that you need therapy when you grow up. I'm sorry for being a mean mommy. If someone was to hear the threats I shout at you guys they might arrest me. But my only hope is that every time I issue these threats to you with my best murderous looks the two of you break into giggles. I hope I always sound ridiculous and that you never stop giggling.
Love you always
Your Mamma.
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