Endless Eulogy

I talk. You phase out
You talk. I absorb
I promise. I forget
You remember. You act
I think just of me
You think of everyone and me
I'm confused you are sorted
You are nonchalant I'm besotted
I'm crabby you are crabbier
I'm crazy you are sober
You like to call a spade a spade
I indulge in ridiculous charade
I falter I regress
You help me back don't let me digress
I'm messy you are clean
You are forgiving I'm mean
I'm selfish you are kind
I delay you make up your mind
I seek you escape
I hide you undrape
I cling you run
I run you wait till I'm done
I'm moon you are my golden sun
There is no one perfect analogy
You are my love
I'm your endless eulogy.

in case you are wondering what brought this on......six years back on new years I met my hubby...it was arranged by our families....so he had come to "see" me. Well all I can say is he came he saw and he conquered. So every new years I get bit nostalgic thinking about our firsts....first date first movie first kiss first goodbye so on and so forth. Six years and many more to come......

On that sappy note.... Happy new year y'all.....

So many ways

There are so many ways
so many ways I deserve to be loved in
so many ways I yearn to be loved in
so many ways I need to be loved in

Will you not love me in one of them
in one way. each day

For you my heart I'm willing to lay
if you just love me in one such way
every single day

This is one thing about me i cant change
I try to keep myself happy
but without you its quite strange

Give me something to hold on to
throw me little something now and then
humour me jest me or simply pretend

I am your heart so hold me close
irrevocably in love with you
so there's very little hope

unless you want it that way.
So love me in one of your ways
for now and for rest of our days

So you think you can dance

There are many shortcuts to happiness and dancing is one of them.I love dancing.I love people who love dancing.I am one of those many women who dream of wearing high heels ruffled skirt and salsa like J.Lo.. or belly dance like Shakira....or groove like our very own munni... but I never took dance lessons.When I was young my sister would go for kathak lessons. was told I was too chubby for it. And then in family functions or weddings whenever we performed together she was referred to as "Nache mayuri" and I was called "Dhokala dance" .... that distinction stayed in me for most of my growing up years.It didn't help that I was always made the guy in school annual day performances.They could never find a guy taller than me so they turned me into one.That meant that I always got the ugly costumes and awkward moves.....

But things changed when i went to college....and was introduced to the "Podar audi"..... the one place where you could lose all your inhibitions and dance like crazy.....i wasn't allowed to party....so i had never been to any pub, club, lounge or whatever those places are called.....So the auditorium of our college was the only place i could jive in.....n jive i did.....for five years in countless socials.....twice i even performed on the stage.....but that was more because of the guy-in-charge had a crush on me and less because of my dancing skills.....but nevertheless i got comfortable with my self and started to forget the dhokala dance tag.....

Of course post babyhood my confidence was deflated.....i felt like i lost my sense of rhythm in the delivery room....i was still waddling and couldn't see my toes.....so when the streak of weight loss began the need to get my groove back became stronger.....that's when i saw the ad in newspaper...SDIPA happening right next to my building....i immediately signed up.....Mum said "you are going to dance with teenagers.... how old are the people in your batch?" relax mum....they are my age.... (when i was 4 years younger but who cares)....He said "this is just one of your whims....like last year you wanted to go for yoga classes...you didn't even last a month" well this is different....and if nothing else you will get a chance to say "i told you so" .....so let me go...

Yes i did tilt the average age of my batch....the 14 year old guy in my batch called me Aunty.....The instructor once said "You are rolling like a vada pav" which brought back memories of the dhokala tag.....but it was ok....I was dancing and I was having fun.....and then after 15 sessions we performed in a show....with costumes and technical rehearsals....I was on stage again..... and it barely lasted for 3 minutes.....but it was euphoric..... I shamelessly paraded the videos n pics on FB....and basked in the glory of all the likes and comments.....Arav was amused to see the video.....and for the entire last week he eats his food only when "Mamma dancing" is played....Husband was impressed.....and I am jubilant.

Man of few words

Me : so did you read my blog?

Him: yea

Me: and what did you think of it?

Him: Your mind wanders

Me: Huh? whats that supposed to mean? in a good way or a bad way? did my words touch you? did they wanna make you get up and do something? like hug me tight? will they haunt you in the night? did they make you wonder what kind of a place this world is? did you like the analogy i used? did you disagree with anything? would you put it any differently?

instead i say

Me: aha....thats it?

Him : now looking very confused.... Yes

Me: Sigh.....

We are different
Him and me
I love to ramble on
He prefers sanity

Shweta

Mamma dont judge

Arav my baby.... my little baby... even though he is showing sings of being a very independent toddler.....but at 21 months old i think he still qualifies as my baby....ofcourse i would think of him as that even when he is 21 years old....but thats a different topic....so its natural for me to feel protective towards him.....now i like to think of myself as a very non-judgemental person....i dont usually take sides n dont have specific slots i categorize people in.....

so when i saw the other day someone making their judgement on Arav it bothered me..... no i think it hurt me..... to see my little baby being called a bully....im not disagreeing with the mother....her observation let her to conclude this......I'm very concerned about the aggression that Arav shows around other kids....im trying different approaches....reading books talking to mothers....but not making much success....but what hurts me that she judged Arav on that one action.....She remembers him as the kid who pushed her kid.....will it matter to her that at home when he plays with his soft toys he pretends to share them with her son....or when he sees his pic on the computer he leaps out to hug him.....the whole is judged on the basis of the part....i'm in no way justifying Aravs behaviour....but my protective instinct just went overboard when i read her opinion....i had this overwhelming urge to put Arav back in my womb just so no one can judge him....

and in that instance i could see the future....as he leaves the security of his home n ventures out in the world of playschools and schools n college n so on....he will be judged by teachers and fellow students and their mothers....it wouldnt matter to the teacher that the boy who cant color in the lines is actually the most kind hearted boy.....or the one who pays little attention in chemistry loves his music....no matter what style of education we choose he will be graded, evaluated, compared and judged.....it starts right at the birth....the doctors chart the baby's height, weight, size of head against the normal and then tell u whether your baby is in the top 10 or bottom 10 percentile....i dreaded this so much that i have till date never turned to the last page in his doctors file where his progress has been grudgingly charted by the nurse. but it wont be that easy anymore..... i will have to come to terms with this...

When Arav was born someone asked me what u wish for him to become....my only reply was "fiercely free" ... completely independent..... not that he should be oblivious or insenstive to other people's feelings.....just that it should not interfere with his thoughts....no pressure of pleasing someone or following their rights and wrongs....free to be the best of himself....thats what i wish for you my baby....i know its not a practical wish....there will be friends and future love interests and colleagues and bosses....but i just hope you retain your goodness through it all....

till then if the world gets too cruel like it tends to be sometimes you can always run to me.....i promise you my baby i will never judge you