Hormonal imbalance

When I birthed my younger son, I realized that I will be living with only males. It was a scary thought. There is the husband the 8 year old and a 4 year old. Even our help is a man. So you can imagine the testosterone levels tend to tip on the higher side. Usually I dont bother much about this but its a different story every time I am PMSing.

Yes in a house full of these XY creatures I unleash my hormonal imbalance every three weeks. and these poor sods don't know where to hide. I would write them a handbook if i wasn't so angry at all of them. 

Anyway so husband has a great way to handle this. He stocks chocolates in the house and make travel plans to conveniently avoid the crazy days. It took me a while to understand his modus operandi. But I kind of like it now. Its so much better than him being around and me feeling murderous towards him. Kids on the other hand have no clue why their mother becomes this fire spewing dragon every few days. 

Sometime ago I took Arav aside and told him about periods. I said Mamma has an organ in her body "uterus" which is where she kept you and N before you were born. And every month when there is no baby inside that organ expels the extra tissues and blood and Mamma ends up feeling uncomfortable and unwell. and that is also why I become all shouty at you guys. His first reaction was wow. Your body is so complicated. But now he is a super trooper on my team. Fetches me things and in general leaves me alone.

Yesterday I heard him tell N its mamma's private days and she needs rest. So both of them played quietly on their i-pads (yes take all the gadgets you want just leave me alone please) And today morning both got ready for school on their own. Meanwhile I was slithering on the bed, rolling myself on the heating pad. When we were in the elevator, both hugged me. Arav commented I was like a pokemon (i forgot the name) who has fire in his belly because my tummy was so warm. He kissed my tummy and said Listen uterus mamma has us she doesnt want more babies so dont trouble her so much. and he left for his bus. Can you imagine how mushy that made me? 

Anyway it did not take away my pain but at least I hope when they are with their partners they would be tad more sensitive towards them. 

If not they can always stock on chocolates and take the easy way out.

Of mothers and sisters

Few days ago we went out for dinner. Just husband and I. He didn't know this but for me it was our birthday celebration. Our birthdays which were a month ago. It rained like crazy and the 3 year old had a bad viral scene so of course we didn't have any celebration. The husband did not notice that. Birthdays are no big deal for him. But they are for me. So few days ago when mother in law was visiting I dropped massive hints about how he owes me a dinner and he booked us a table at a happening place in Bandra. It takes one of the visits from one of the grand moms for us to have a decent dinner out. I'm one of those crazy moms who refused to hire a nanny (which in India most of us can) A decision I quite frankly question a lot. At least twice a day. You see I'm selfish. I want all of my children's time. But I also want some of mine. It is like being on a treadmill. I'm constantly on the move but I'm forever on hold. You know what I mean? If you are nodding your head right now, you have children under the age of 40.

So anyway back to this dinner. I dressed up and washed and conditioned and gelled my hair. and clicked dozen selfies and sent them to my favorite girls. My sister replied "You look like mom from back when she was young" I knew which picture she was referring to. We have seen few of mum's black and white photos. Bell bottom pants and puff sleeved top. Long hair with just one snake like latt near her eyebrow. And kohl in her big eyes. She must be barely 14 in that picture. I tried to remember what I looked like at 14. I had to shake my head to forget that horrific image. I remembered the times when people have told me I look like my mom. When I was a teenager I would take offence. I thought it meant I look old. When I just had Arav I was embarrassed coz I thought it meant I'm fat. But now I know it is a huge compliment. To be told I look like my mom. Will I ever carry myself with the confidence she does? The dignity that her personality has. I dont know I can only try. I think of all her three children I resemble her the most and she knows that. She has mentioned it to me whenever I put some weight on. Meanwhile her opinion on my sartorial choices is this " Why are you so ajeeb?"  Just two days ago we planned to meet a cousin who was not well and she casually mentioned wear a kurti and come. I knew what she meant she did not want me to be ajeeb.

The same day my little one said "Aap ekdum maasi lag rahe ho" I giggled with him. This again would have offended me in a previous life time. Back when we were growing up if someone mentioned oh you sisters look so alike we would vehemently disagree. People always assumed I was the older one and it enraged me. Once someone assumed I'm the mother of her son while shes the new bride ( I was barely 18 years old then) As a teen ager where I was craving to create my own identity such comparisons would irk me. But today I'm grateful. If someone says you look so much like your sister I would take it as a huge compliment. Shes pretty and graceful. And she's highly photogenic. I think the reason Niv said I look like Maasi is because I was dressed up. He must have so far only seen me in my ajeeb avatar. So this must be a nice change for him.

Yes I would like to be more like Mom and Dee Dee. Not just in looks. But this is a beginning I think.

To Anupama

I lost a friend yesterday so we will be cancelling further classes.

I sent this message out two months ago. How funny it sounds. I lost a friend. My dear friend passed away. What does that even mean? Followed by I'm sorry for your loss. May God give you strength. Rest in peace. And the worst RIP (typed like that)

I don't want strength you know. I want my friend back. I never thought at 33 I would be saying goodbye to a friend. I thought that is something you do when you are like 70. 

Who dies on a Sunday? One Sunday we are chatting on our Whatsapp group and for the first time we all agreed on a travel plan. You said you would show us your very old house and then take us for a day trip to Dandeli. Monday morning I replied with dates and said Please give your blessings to this plan Anu. And then the following Monday I was at your funeral. How? Are you smiling at me right now? Are you happy where you are? Coz I'm angry. I am so so angry with you. Who does that? Leaves everything and just disappear. If you were here you would have counselled me out of my grief. You were the fucking counselor. Now where do we go?

Every time I scroll through my phone I see your pictures. You with your kind eyes twinkling behind those glasses. You didn't want to come for Arav's birthday but you did. And there are videos and pictures and you are every where. The dp of our whatsapp group. that you insisted needed to be updated. And how we all laughed look at Anupama talking about DP and shit. You were the most un virtual person. Anupama hum sabki Maa. We are coming to your house feed us watch our kids and listen to us whine. Always smiling always kind always giving. 

That trail you showed me one morning. You sensed I was sulking so you told me bunk yoga class today i will pick you up. We snuck inside that college to look at the gorgeous view. You told me about this red bird which is your favorite (I cant even recall its name) You told me about parenting and life. You said I am you ten years younger. You had this unhurried pace. Slow and kind, you spoke so softly. Where are we going to find that now? You said this birthday you will paint me a tshirt "Every tall girl needs a short best friend" Guess what my birthday is here and you are not.

You were so shy always in the background. You used to say young mothers need to be educated Shweta, they are lonely they need to be counselled. We will do it together. You do the advertising I would do the workshops. Now what do I do? You drew that nice logo for my company. Tiny Tribes. And within 15 days of my launch you went away. I remember those visits to the hospital. I remember the call you made me. I was the first one you called when Sam was not reachable. And what did i do? Nothing. I couldn't help you. Do you even know how that makes me feel? 

Every time I shower I cry. I find staying angry at you is easier. Coz otherwise I just feel miserable and helpless. and why should I? You clearly moved on, without so much of a goodbye. Arav says you are a tree now. which is very apt I think. I can close my eyes and see your face. I can hear your voice as you play with Nivaan. I can imagine all your expressions. And I wonder how is Aaryaman going to make peace with this? 

I know there was a reason why we became friends. You told me you don't make friends easily. Neither do I. There was a reason why you walked into my class with baby Aaryaman. and why in the last five years we knew each other only last year we got so close. I am happy that I was with you on your birthday. It was such a nice evening. We were surrounded by our kids and books. In that cozy corner of your house under that wise owl you painted. I thought you would always be there to guide me. And I cannot accept that you are not here anymore. Going back to your house has been the most painful thing. Parking under your building taking the lift upto your house and then finding your photograph in your living room, instead of you. Where you always welcomed us fed us awesome food showed your latest paintings/knits/plants. I cant even make myself look at that picture of you.

I miss you. I am sure you are in a much better place surrounded by trees and birds and soil and caterpillars. Please send us some love. I will try to remember what you said. Give it sometime. Time will heal everything. 

Till we meet again my dear, Goodbye.