An angry letter of love

Dear Arav

            I know I have been very angry these days. I know you have noticed it and you have tried to cheer me up. And today after you threw that tantrum I got angrier than ever before. It shocked you and believe me it shocked me too. While I was chiding you for throwing a tantrum over something so silly, I conveniently forgot that I was doing the same. Oh the irony! You are not yet 7 and I expect you to rein in your emotions while I at 32 have no idea how to do it. Of all the people in the house it is your emotions that affect me the most. If you are happy everything is wonderful if you are upset I am angry. That's too much responsibility to put on you. Is that the reason why you are not so sure of yourself? You second guess all your moves. Meanwhile your younger brother enters every room like he owns it. He thinks the world owes him a giant favor. I look at him with mild amusement and he looks at me with a condescending smile. He misbehaves and I brush it off. But if you have a meltdown my entire world goes upside down. I realize how unfair it is for you. I don't even want to say sorry coz it feels so hollow. Here I am sitting and giving you a lecture about how you refuse to change while I am shamelessly doing the same. One day you will catch my bluff. What will I do then? It doesn't help that you are almost as big as a 10 year old. I should be able to carry you and make you sit on my lap. But you are already too big.

See that is the whole problem. You come into our wombs and nothing prepares us for what follows next. You are a part of us and then you come out and still remain a part of us. You are like an extension of us. For days and nights its just you and us. We spend lonely nights and days feeding you and burping you and cleaning you and cooing at you. Your cuteness and our hormones send us on this frenzy. You are a sweet little helpless blob and we are the center of your universe. And then slowly and suddenly one day you just stop needing us. In spite of knowing that it is coming we are still blind sided. It happens to the best of us. One moment we are tearing our hair apart crying in our pillows of sheer exhaustion and next moment we are left gob smacked by your independence. This is what sucks about being a parent. Don't get me wrong. My heart fills with pride watching you grow up so beautifully but there is also a part of me which is left desperate and desiccated.

It is this and many other things that make me so angry these days, None of which you are responsible for, but yet you bear the brunt of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fit to be near you guys. I wonder if I am scarring you for life and damaging you so much that you need therapy when you grow up. I'm sorry for being a mean mommy. If someone was to hear the threats I shout at you guys they might arrest me. But my only hope is that every time I issue these threats to you with my best murderous looks the two of you break into giggles. I hope I always sound ridiculous and that you never stop giggling.

Love you always

Your Mamma.

My beloved Eon

Whats with people naming their cars? I never got it. A car is a car. it takes you from point A to point B. Its a non living thing which definitely doesn't deserve a nick name. I was so wrong. After having my eon for last three years i realized i love it almost like a pet.

Its a great feeling to be behind the wheel. It gives you a sense of power a sense of control. i wont even try to get into the mileage and horse power and all that. What i have is a very humble car. But its mine. and when I'm alone driving that car i feel so happy. but recently my bubble was busted. I banged my car not once but twice in last two months. and it was taken away from me for almost 15 days each time. And how i have missed it. The first time it happened i was clearly not at fault. Though it was a rude shock, that i'm not at all as invincible as i feel when im driving. The second time it happened it was a bad judgement on my part. And now i feel so vulnerable. Every time i go driving i'm extra cautious.

After what felt like an eon ( see what i did there) when i finally got the car back all i wanted to do was hug it. Like literally stretch my arms and hug it from all sides. I promised my car i would not let anybody hurt her again. But my husband just laughed at me saying I'm a woman i should not make such promises. First i got very angry with his sexist remark. But more i think of it more it makes sense. Here is my theory.

1.A woman especially a mother of young kids is always late. She's late for everything. She cant help it. It's her destiny. So she makes up for it by driving little rash.
2.There's someone in her car who is screaming or whining or crying or banging his head or puking or dancing on the seats. This can muddle decision making part of her brains
3. If she's alone in the car it is a very big moment for her. Coz these few minutes in the car might be the only alone time she gets. So she would want to play her favorite music and sing loudly to it and check her phone at the red light and roll down the windows to feel the breeze. This is like picnic for her which often leads to some irrational judgement.
4. Being in the car all on her own without being watched by the kids gives her crazy freedom. She would swear loudly even flip the proverbial bird. She might run over a red light for the sheer thrill of it. For her its like saturday night out. The only opportunity to let her hair down.
5. Her car is the only thing that's totally under her control. And that makes her deliriously happy and a slightly dangerous driver.

So the next time you see a lady driver just cut her some slack. Let her over take you. Issued in public interest

As for naming my car I'm still making up my mind.

Hold my hand

Where do i go when i feel like i have nowhere to go? I come here.

I sometimes come here when I'm bursting with something which i absolutely have to write down. An instant reaction .Sometimes i hold everything inside not letting myself feel anything. I just collect it all till I'm ready to feel and then I come here to make sense of all these webs in my head.

Last Sunday we rushed to the emergency . Arav had fallen from his cycle and fractured his elbow. It was a bad fall and even when he came home crying it was obvious that the bone is broken. My mind just went blank. Luckily husband was home and he made all the right decisions. While i just sat numb next to Arav trying to console him. I forgot my phone at home too that had numbers of doctors and friends. The hospital guys asked me my age which i couldn't recall for few seconds. At one point i even exclaimed oh no its his right arm to be quickly reminded by my husband that hes a leftie. (Phew!)

We got his X-ray done and poor kid was in unbearable pain. While we waited for the verdict , husband was making all the calls and i was trying to make Arav laugh. I was telling him about how i fractured my ankle and how quickly it heals etc etc. Just then we were informed a surgery needs to be done as the bone is pressing on the nerves. Arav had his milk so they had to wait 5 hours before they could give him anesthesia.

Fresh tears rolled down his eyes. He was being so brave and he just broke down i asked if its hurting too much and he said mamma mai marne wala hu kya? I didnt know what to say i just choked. But i told him not at all and no one dies of a broken bone and how easy was this surgery etc etc. I just couldn't imagine what parents of really sick children go through. It has to be the worst nightmare seeing your child in pain and being absolutely helpless. He kept telling me to make the pain go away. and all i had were empty words. He got tired of all the crying and pain and waited to rest his head. So i stood close to him and let him rest on me. And he said no mamma you wont be comfortable. This 6 year old child who was so badly hurt was still thinking of my comfort. I just couldn't imagine. How unselfish can someone be?

The hours that followed after were terrifying. The elbow had swollen too much . they were afraid that they might have to cut his arm and then fix the bone. My dad who is a doctor was with me but i knew he was much more scared than us. We were blessed with ignorance but he knows too much and though he was being brave for all of us his face showed the fear. Anyway the surgery got over and he was in recovery room. I sat there alone while others went home to change and get clothes etc. I watched him lying on that hospital bed . the green pyjamas were too small he was feeling cold so they had a warmer on. the pulse monitor kept beeping. And thats when i allowed all my tears to come out. I'm sure the nurse must be rolling her eyes as this wasnt exactly a life threatening situation. but from where i was watching it, it was terrifying.

We are home now and the cast is expected to remain for another six weeks. I am bathing him and feeding him and taking him to the bathroom. The younger tyke is not at all liking the attention being showered on his bhaiya, but hes being helpful too. I forgot how grown up Arav is and i also forgot how hes still my baby. Sometimes when i hug him he feels too big in my arms and sometimes when he cries in the night because he cant turn on his side he feels too small.