Three....already???

When you give birth you are born again....its your birth too...said Farida Jalal to Rani Mukherjee & Priety Zinta in a movie which was too lame and i wondered why am i even watching it.....this was many days ago while i flipped channels drinking my evening tea.....today this came back to me while i walked around the compound of our society....handing out invitations for the boy's upcoming birthday party.....My baby is not a baby anymore....He is turning 3....he now knows what a birthday party means....He has made a guest list too....I want him to have a great birthday...I'm freaking out....

there are many things happening currently ....right from mom getting operated to many deadlines at work...but of all the things the one i'm worrying the most about is the party.....How silly....i can always hire a party planner and then just show up on his birthday....but thats not what i want for him.... this is giving me sleepless nights.......I'm not a host....never have been....I'm a guest ....I'm an agony aunt....I'm a one-on-one person.....I'm lost in a group of 10-15 people....I cant draw or craft even if my life depended on it....I am not very great with food....this is way outside my comfort zone.....So why am i doing this?For Arav obviously i thought....but turns out it isnt that simple.

Your child gives you a chance to redeem yourself...so while he's learning to be an adult you are learning to become a child again.....So I'm learning to cut road signs and draw a dump truck on his invitations....The voice in my head tells me its not for him....its for me...Funny things happen when you become a parent....Never in my life have i felt the urgency to become a better person than now....Now that Arav minutely observes everything i do and emulate most of it...I have almost hit the panic button....The child also has the ability to strip you of all the titles you have given yourself over the years and show you your true self....The face that is hiding behind the grown-up mask....its very unnerving really....The child can make you more vulnerable than ever....He will pull away the emotional crutches you have been leaning on , pull you down to the ground and show you what you are truly made of.....And for most of us its not a pretty picture...

They are very demanding these children....They demand love...unconditional non-stoppable inconvenient love....not for themselves but for you.....They demand that you learn to love yourself....Children are like mirrors....they are reflecting you....and they are reminding you to change what you dont like in this reflection...Change it now....There is hardly any time....they grow up too fast...

My baby isnt a baby anymore ....He is turning 3....Just like he's stumbling through toddlerhood becoming a big boy.....I'm stumbling through this difficult maze of parenthood trying to find myself....

Its our birthday on 29th March....A boy will turn 3 ... and the mother will turn 3.....

Rekindling the romance....more like resurrecting it

Can you wake up and be in love with me again?
and flirt with me for one full day

Can we go for late night walks?
and lose the hours in our talks

Can you take me out on a date?
and stay out with me till its very late

Can you cook me breakfast in bed?
Waffles blueberries the whole spread

Can you call me just to hear my voice?
and each time you call say something really nice

Can you surprise me in the middle of the day?
take me for a movie or lunch or a play

Can we lay awake in the night?
Gazing at stars under the moonlight

I know honey its not easy
Seventh year of marriage
All this might feel cheesy

We are parents now not lovers
So lets just do one thing
Lets have a casual fling
with each other.

The more things change the more they remain the same......or do they?

Going to matunga eating at the same Udipi..... recognising the waiter....a knowing smile on his face....Saada dosa ? yes he knows what i eat....or ate.....the dosa comes....looking as it looked always.....does it taste the same? may be.... i'm not sure....somehow in my memories it tasted different.....the place is same but it felt different.....there were different people on the table with me.....Most of them are not a part of my life anymore.....they are on my friends list in facebook.....but its been ages since i shared a dosa with them.....the new faces on this table too have a history with me.....I dragged them here so that they can walk down this memory lane with me....they are trying but they dont get it.....whats so special about this dosa? I dont know i cant explain....

Nostalgia is a funny word....a bitter sweet longing for things.....yearning for the past often in an idealized form.....Ah! thats the problem.....i have glorified the dosa in my head.....this real one will never come close to it.....The more things change the more they remain the same....Nostalgia however screws this equation.....In the past while eating this dosa I laughed a lot.....no inhibitions no worries.....I smile now....I'm different...So it's not the dosa it's me who has changed.....So thats why a walk down marine lines and eating strawberries and cream at bachelors isnt the same.....You dont look the same as you did before....He said to me....i know i'm getting old....No thats not what i meant.....When you smile your eyes dont smile anymore.....Why ? i wonder.....What eluded me? Which part of me am i missing?

Earlier this year I sent Arav away......So that we can have some us time....but us is not complete without him.....i realized there were very few things we had to say to each other..... running out of conversation now thats my biggest fear.....why does it have to be? only someone who is not at peace with themselves would want constant noise around them.....relax take a deep breath Shweta.....sitting quietly with each other is a milestone....celebrate this victory...Dont try to recreate moments....focus on the now

yes you are right...may be it doesnt have to be the same.....May be i'm meant to make new memories....with these new people....may be i have to learn to laugh without inhibitions again.....that can be done....if i can do a little dance on the sidewalk with Arav while we eat our strawberries and cream.....i can do this.....Nostalgia you can stay in my heart....you can sweep over me every now and then.....but know this.....you are but a passing cloud.....the present moment is my song....and sometimes i might sound like i have bad cold.....but i'm determined to keep singing....

Everyone you love will find you again.....said someone i truly admire....and i believe in it