Sleepless in Bangalore

What is this called?  this feeling that you are forgetting something. That constant doubt in your head that you should not be sitting doing nothing. I'm looking for a word to describe this. I have discovered that I'm unable to enjoy downtime. Like reading a book or window shopping or going for a haircut. I'm convinced something significant or urgent or accidental is happening with my kids while I'm relaxing.

I'm not usually a helicopter mom and also like other moms past two years I have complained a lot about not having any time for myself. So now that I'm on my annual vacation at the in laws the kids are so fantastically taken care of. And I'm encouraged to spend some me time. I'm finding it very hard to do so.

I think the hormones that helps a mom tune into her child while tuning out the world also makes her borderline hypochondriac. When does this end?  when do you stop worrying about your children?  probably never.

It really sucks being a parent you know. Sometimes. It's just really really hard and you can't even like make a big deal of it coz everyone around you is doing it and they are keeping it together. Atleast it appears so.

So I go shopping today eat a lazy lunch and even go out for dinner. When I come back the little brat is asleep and it just breaks my heart that I wasn't there to put him to sleep. All I want is to snuggle with him. It is at this moment I realise I'm ruined for life now. These little brats have full control on me and I have voluntarily signed up for this.

All I can do is enjoy these moments when they are little and pray for some stillness. Thehrav. Something that calms my restless mind. I think sniffing my sleeping two year old might help.

Jump starting the new year

Hello everyone let me be one more person to wish you Happy new year!
Its contagious isnt it? This hoopla around new year

So we started the class again today after the Christmas break. And i was itching to go back to the class to see my kids. I teach a parent-child music class to very little children and i really really look forward to my class. It sounds a little crazy that i take a break from entertaining my kids to go teach other kids. But to me its therapeutic. I love the way the little ones light up when they dance and sing and groove along. It's like being in a rock concert with toddlers. I feel like I'm the rock star and they are my groupies (!!!!)

Anyway so today being the first class after the break and also Saturday morning things were a little slow the class started late. The kids the parents all took their time to warm up. But two of my very well behaved kids were in super naughty mood. These kids who hang onto each word i utter and copy every action had decided to just run free in the class. Needless to say moms were a bit taken aback. You know how as a mom we want our child to be the best behaved child in the class. And though i wanted to tell them its ok i couldnt as we were pressed for time. I kept noticing the mother getting really exasperated by the child. So here's what i want to tell you mom of the hyper/restless/chaotic/disturbing/naughty (not my words these are just adjectives i have seen mothers using) The following is only my opinion regards to my class not to any other situation :

1. It's A-OK: Music class is fun. Its not school. Kids come to our class to explore music through songs,instruments, movements. We dont want to restrict them. As long as they are safe (thats the key word) As long as they are not getting hurt or hurting others . Its perfectly ok if your child is running like a Kenyan on speed. You might want your child to sit down and precisely follow the instructions but your child is still learning in his own way even though it appears that hes distracted.. his ears and eyes are still on you.

2. He/She is a child : You know the cliche. it is a cliche because its true. Your 6 months old is a child. SO is your 11 months old your 2.8 years old your 5.5 years old. They all are children. We as adults have learned to mask our feelings. That is why we are experts at routines. We can go through motions. We can be an emotional turmoil but we can go about our day. Children have not learned that (thank god for that) They are known to behave exactly as they feel. So its not possible for them to be attentive at 11.30 am on Saturday when all they want to do is chase their friend or make faces in front of the mirror.

3. Carry on : Breathe and reboot. Carry on singing or dancing without shooting murderous looks at your little one. Dont be apologetic or feel guilty. If you continue participating in the class your child will come around. He/she will soon realise that he/she is not getting your attention by doing this and more likely to join you.

4. Loosen up : Music class is as much for you as it is for your child. Its a place you can loosen up and let your hair down. If you have fun your child is likely to catch up too. Its like going to a party minus the wine :)

I love my class. I love each and every child in my class. If i'm able to make the mom forget her mommy chores and put a smile on the child's face my job's done.

Looking forward to a fantastic musical year ahead.

As one mom in the class said "Let the music play!!!!"

A ninth anniversary post - borrowed

Not my own. But a beautiful poetry. Someday I aspire to write like this. 

Mouthful of forever by clementine von radics 

 

I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edges
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.

This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
of your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.

And I will not be afraid
of your scars.

I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.